Donald Trump And His Very Very Large Huge Large Water Faucet
Douchenozzle squirts fantasy about basic resource management.
Convicted felon Donald J. Trump is a man who rises to the challenges of water hazards almost every day while golfing so it’s almost surprising that whiffing on problems with water is also par for the course.
This is someone who responded to hurricane flooding in Puerto Rico by throwing paper towels at people and later suggested dropping nuclear bombs on them. The very stable genius has now turned his attention to California’s water management issues exacerbated by the climate crisis and promised potential voters "more water than you ever saw" after turning a mysterious giant tap that would solve the increasingly crispy Golden State’s water woes.
Trump made the remarks last week at a press conference at one of his golf courses outside Los Angeles after blaming California Governor Gavin Newsom (D) for not doing a better job on the file. Whom he referred to as “New-scum” because of course he did. The alliterative Gavin Gruesome would’ve been more fun as one of his dumbass nicknames but even Trump realized it wouldn’t stick to someone so objectively handsome. Assuming he knows the word. We should probably be glad he didn’t settle on Poo-some.
"You have millions of gallons of water pouring down from the north with the snow caps and Canada, and all pouring down and they essentially have a very large faucet," said Trump. “You turn the faucet and it takes one day to turn it, and it's massive, it's as big as the wall of that building right there behind you. You turn that, and all of that water aimlessly goes into the Pacific, and if you turned that back, all of that water would come right down here and into Los Angeles.”
At least he didn’t try to blame the state’s poor water supply on Haitian immigrants or bad hombres from Venezuela drinking it. Trump didn’t reveal the location of the Very Large Faucet, or even who “they” are, and the Canada Water Agency doesn’t include it in a database of the freshwater infrastructure it manages across the country. Then again the feds didn’t put out a statement in the week since denying its existence so maybe the Very Large Faucet is like Canada’s very own Area 51! Nobody is willing to go on the record about it. Like the secret ingredient in Nanaimo bars or what really happened to Anne Shirley’s parents.
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, so presumably where there’s a supersized spigot, there’s going to be an occasional leak. But it’s possible the project is super hush-hush, and Trump only learned about it while sifting through his stolen top-secret documents while backed up on the shitter at Mar-a-Lago. You can learn all kinds of unexpected things sitting on the toilet. Just ask Hank Shrader.
SOMEWHAT VAGUELY RELATED!
Trump compared the size to a nearby building, presumably the course’s 45,000-square-foot clubhouse, which suggests he has at least seen photos of it. Unless he only mentioned it because the building happened to be in his line of sight while addressing reporters and he was desperately trying not to say anything insane in front of cameras again. But he apparently also knows it takes an entire day to turn the thing, and that’s definitely not because he’s thinking of the giant key Superman uses to open the Fortress of Solitude.
If there’s any nation up to the task of turning an enormous faucet the right way around, it’s We the North.
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess some Wonkette readers mightn’t be familiar with the storied Canadarm, a giant robot taught about in public schools that does the heavy lifting with space shuttle docking and the country’s greatest contribution to the final frontier since William Shatner blasted off aboard the USS Enterprise. It’s currently deployed on the International Space Station, where it may be finding a new gig providing needed hugs to the two astronauts currently stranded up there, but it turns out there are other functioning models right here on terra firma. One even made a cameo in the new Deadpool movie wielding a giant magnet to incapacitate an aggressive dude with (spoiler) a metal skeleton! If it’s good enough for Marvel, it should be good enough to aid with an existential environmental catastrophe.
Like all the gibberish that spews from the GOP presidential candidate’s mouth, it falls on others to plumb the depths in an attempt to sanewash it, and the consensus is he was imagining diverting water from the Columbia River, the fourth largest river in the country. The snowpack from the Sierra Nevada mountains currently provides most of California’s drinking water but is expected to see as much as a 70 percent reduction by the second half of the century. This year’s snowfall in the mountain range was down to roughly two-thirds of a normal year, and California’s population is expected to grow to 60 million by 2050 from 39 million today. Someone needs to have a Eureka moment.
The Columbia River is fed by the Athabasca Glacier, the only snowfield in the world that melts into three different oceans, and its headwaters are in southern British Columbia before flowing through Washington and Oregon. But Canadians, like Americans, also require the ready availability of freshwater to not die — not to mention freeze to play hockey on — and the country’s westernmost province is facing an ominous future of its own in terms of its liquid assets after a three-year drop in normal precipitation levels. BC has a total of 32 water reservoirs and, at last count, five of them were at drought level five — the highest level, meaning that “adverse impacts to socio-economic or ecosystem values” are pretty much guaranteed. Another six of them were at level four, while only four of them were at zero risk of going dry.
Even if there WAS a magic tap that could be switched somewhere, the water would still need a massive pipeline to make the roughly 1,000-mile journey to thirsty Southern California.
Unless his concept of a plan involves something like an armada of non-electric tankers run by big strong men heroically risking shark-infested waters to help make America quenched again. Or at least keep rich people’s swimming pools full and golf courses green.
Our failed media strikes again.
"Mr Trump, please detail your plan to reduce the price of groceries"
"My hovercraft is full of eels"
"Vice President Harris, same question..."
The desert areas of Arizona and SoCal are littered with fucking golf courses. We are constantly hectored about being frugal with water use so rich fuckheads like PAB can drive a golf carts around these lush oases for a few hours and laugh at the sweaty proles on the other side of the tree line.