Donald Trump Awfully Pissy About Those Tax Day Protests. GOOD JOB TAX DAY PROTESTERS!

Puny First Amendment rights!

In case anyone might have been worried Donald Trump was getting too presidential or anything, the patron saint of incoherent rage took pains this weekend to reassure the nation he's just as unhinged and paranoid as ever, complaining it's totally unfair that anyone is still talking about his taxes because he won the election, and under the Constitution in his head, that means you freaks have to lay off. Jeez, don't you people understand anything about democracy? Indeed, the very fact that protests were held in cities across the nation Saturday suggests to Trump that something nasty is up, maybe something truly dangerous:  

Did you people even know that? Donald Trump won the election! He may have mentioned it once or twice, so he can't see why you aren't paying attention. And after doing the nearly impossible -- winning the electoral college as a Republican, a feat accomplished by only nine of the previous 16 elected presidents in the last 100 years! (Not including Ford, obviously.) Some people simply don't respect history, it seems. Yes, yes, FDR was in office forever, so the system is rigged, but the point is valid: Republicans hardly ever win the Electoral College, except a bit more than every other presidency. Surely something untoward must be up. So who was paying all those protesters?

The Washington Post offers a tantalizing hint at the larger conspiracy:

The marches were sponsored by a coalition of 69 organizations. The main march Saturday unfolded in the nation’s capital, where protesters gathered in front of the Capitol and then marched west along Pennsylvania Avenue.

Sixty-nine organizations? Clearly a bunch of perverts, and limber ones at that! Now all "someone" needs to do is find out who paid those 69 groups to round up people who would otherwise love Trump -- like all of America does, or at least all of the 41% of Americans who are really Americans -- and get them to act as if they want Trump to release his taxes, which obviously is a settled question, because 1) He won the election. Did you know the election's over? and 2) Nobody cares about Trump's taxes except people in the dishonest media. According to one recent poll, members of the dishonest media constitute 80 percent of the American electorate; even more surprising, it seems that 64 percent of Republicans are also members of the dishonest media. Mind you, that poll was sponsored by MoveOn, one of the groups involved in organizing Saturday's very small marches, which only drew thousands of protesters in Washington DC, New York, and South Florida, where a few thousand people marched at Mar-a-Lago after being paid to do so.

 Not everyone was on board with the President's contention that protesters had to be lured by money to disagree with Trump, according to this Tweet from New York activist Nick Jack Pappas:

Of course, the mere fact that an activist denies being paid is all the proof you need that it's true. And really, does anyone need to investigate who's paying the protesters? It's George Soros, of course. And the Jews. Same thing.

In possibly related news, voters in Turkey narrowly chose, in a rigged referendum, to give their president a lot of new powers aimed at centralizing his elected dictatorship, including the possibility of staying in office until 2029. This development probably has wheels turning in Mr. Trump's brain, and might pose a threat to American democracy unless Fox News has a really scary story about immigrants soon. We can only hope.

UPDATE: Wonkette has just learned that Donald Trump won the election. Please disregard this story.

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[ WaPo / Politico / Axios / Independent ]