Donald Trump Charms And Delights America In Bret Baier Interview

[Baier, blinking in Morse code: 'H-E-L-P M-E']

Donald Trump lied his head off in a Fox News interview Monday night, insisting to anchor Bret Baier that he did so win the 2020 election, that he never waved around any classified documents about invading Iran, and that he has now come up with the best reason yet for ignoring repeated requests and a subpoena to turn over all the government documents he took from the White House: He's a very busy man, and simply needed more time to go through and separate them from his gross old filthy poo-streaked golf shorts, and would YOU want to touch anything his gross old filthy poo-streaked golf shorts came in contact with? He rests his case.

It may have been the most compelling reason he's yet given for ignoring multiple requests from the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) as well as a subpoena from the Justice Department. Or it would be, except for how we all know from the "X-Files" that the FBI has plenty of rubber gloves and even HAZMAT suits capable of handling even toxic black-oil alien goo, so the DOJ wouldn't be daunted by even the ickiest Trumpian skidmark. That's what the barf bags are for, Mulder. Here's the Great Man rambling disjointedly:  

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"I had boxes! I wanna go through the boxes end get all my personal things out. I don't wanna hand that over to NARA yet. And I was very busy, as you've sort of seen. [...] Before I send boxes over, I have to take all of my things out! These boxes were interspersed with all sorts of things. Golf shirts, clothing, pants, shoes, there were many things!"

“Iran war plans?” Baier interjected.

"Not that I know of!" Trump deftly replied.

Now, a nitpicker might point out that Trump never said anything about crusty old poo-stained boxers there, but they definitely fall into the category of "all sorts of things," and we're sticking with that. We also like how he was so intent on talking about his filthy old thrift shop rejects that he rolled right past Baier's mention of the subpoena and Trump's orders to have staff move boxes around to hide them from his own lawyer, because golly those boxes had a lot of stuff in 'em, mostly covered in poo.

Trump also insisted that when he was caught on tape admitting he had classified documents about attacking Iran , the sound of him rustling papers wasn't the sound of him waving classified documents around; instead, they were just newspaper clippings or maybe some dried out Cottonelle Flushables he was rather fond of, with flecks of matter flaking off them.

"There was no document,” Mr. Trump insisted. “That was a massive amount of papers and everything else talking about Iran and other things. And it may have been held up or may not, but that was not a document. I didn’t have a document per se. There was nothing to declassify. These were newspaper stories, magazine stories and articles."

As for the claim that he had been waving around and discussing a "How2 Nvade Iran" briefing document by Gen. Mark Milley, Trump told Baier, "I don’t think that I’ve ever seen a document from Milley," and if you can't believe a man who has also never met most of the former aides and staffers who have made him look bad, then you're pretty smart.

Somehow, we're apparently supposed to give Baier a medal for having the courage to tell Trump to his face that Trump lost the 2020 election and that no states found any evidence of fraud, so good on you, Brett Baier, you said a true thing that Trump completely ignored, because the ballots that were counted were fake, silly. But that also prompted Trump to say he didn't think many people watch Fox anymore because it's so unfair, so there are MAGA world's marching orders for the week.

There was also a fun moment where Baier listed all the Very Best People Trump had hired to work for him, who have since called him an idiot — or have been called idiots by Trump — or both. Trump explained he was nonetheless flawless because for every one of those losers, he hired another ten who loved him, none of whom he bothered naming.

“LOL omg”

— Acyn (@Acyn) 1687214363 

Among those named by Baier was former Trump Attorney General Bill Barr, who said on CBS's "Face the Nation" this weekend that Trump was not the messiah, he was a Very Naughty Boy.

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Barr called Trump a "consummate narcissist" and explained that, while Trump was an innocent lamb in many situations, this time around, Barr couldn't defend him, especially since Barr was no longer on the payroll:

"This is not a circumstance where he's the victim or this is government overreach," Barr said. "He provoked this whole problem himself. Yes, he's been the victim of unfair witch hunts in the past, but that doesn't obviate the fact that he's also a fundamentally flawed person who engages in reckless conduct that leads to situations, calamitous situations, like this, which are very disruptive and hurt any political cause he's associated with."

Trump has recently taken to calling Barr names for his lack of support, saying he's "a 'disgruntled former employee,' a 'very weak person,' 'totally ineffective' and 'very lazy.'" Barr parried with some name-calling of his own, saying Trump is a lot like a

"defiant 9-year-old kid who is always pushing the glass toward the edge of the table defying his parents to stop him from doing it."

"He's a very petty individual who will always put his interests ahead of the country's," Barr said. "But our country can't be a therapy session for a troubled man like this."

See what happens when you don't adequately fund mental health care? You get an angry misbehaving president who gets his lawyers in trouble and doesn't pay them. And ants, probably.

[ Daily Beast / Mediaite / New York Times / CBS News ]

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