Donald Trump Is Out Of His F*cking Gourd Today

Wonder what's lodged up his leaking ass.

We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

@realDonaldTrump @mPinoe You can rest assured it’s not about visiting the White House, it’s about visiting the man… https: //t.co/8Dzk0RUJyT

— Dana Goldberg (@Dana Goldberg) 1561563541.0 

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

We already told you about Trump going on the Fox Business channel to SCREAM DEMENTIA WORDS at Maria Bartiromo about how Robert Mueller TERMINATED THE EMAILS, he TERMINATED THE EMAILS I TELL YOU, whose emails? THE EMAILS! Robert Mueller TERMINATED THE EMAILS! It's a CRIME!

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Cool story, very stable genius, does not need immediate psychiatric intervention even a little bit.

But that wasn't the only batshit moment. Let's cheat off Aaron Rupar's Twitter account and watch videos from Donald Trump's entire terrible horrible no good very bad mental health day.

This next clip from the Fox Business interview is indecipherable. It's just two straight minutes of Trump just rambling and yammering about tariffs, which he is too stupid to understand. What we'll note, though, is that he sounds very stopped up, like maybe he has a cold, or maybe he got a tuft of his Yeti Pubes stuck inside his brain.

TAKE A MUCINEX, LOSER. Or, like, jam a Swiffer up there to mop up the pubes.

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In the next clip, Trump complains like he always does that European nations "don't pay NATO what they're supposed to pay," because three years in, he's still too fucking stupid to know that NATO doesn't work like one of his trash-ass golf clubs. He also says Russia is not our enemy, that Europe treats us worse than China does, and notes that he comes from Europe, therefore he knows the following:

European nations were set up in order to take advantage of the United States.

That is definitely why the nations of Europe were "set up."

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After that, he took several Depends shits on Fed Chair Jerome Powell, his own nominee.

Know what definitely happens a lot? People come up to Donald Trump and tell them they are physically banned from following him on Twitter, because of how that is a thing that happens. Honest! (Not honest! Perhaps a hallucination?) Anyway, he says in the next clip that several months back he was getting "100,000" new followers per day (Russian bots) but now they are gone (Russian bots deleted). This is crazy to him, because he says he is "much hotter" than he was several months ago. So where are all his new adoring fans? They never existed .

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Fun fact: Trump has 61 million followers on Twitter, which is even lower than his loser 2016 popular vote. Barack Obama has 107 million. You just know that drives him nuts .

Let's move on from the Bartiromo interview! Trump did a big speech for some kind of Faith Freedom Fucker conference this afternoon, at which he said maybe John McCain is in hell right now.

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His Faith and Freedom Fuckers really ate that one up, like LOL, John McCain in hell!

We doubt that's #factcheck #true, that McCain is in hell, but if it is true, maybe Satan can make him and Trump bunkmates whenever Trump's time on this mortal coil is up and he meets (and is subsequently spat out of Heaven by) his Maker.

Trump won the War on Christmas for the Faith and Freedom Fuckers, who clapped like trained seals and barked like diabetic shit goblins at his announcement. It is June 26, 2019.

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Also, exciting news! President 2019 has learned of a new technological invention, and it is called TiVo, and it just blows his mind!

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Elsewhere with the Faith and Freedom Fuckers, Trump joked about how he's not that good at Bible, and they laughed knowingly (because he does white supremacist theocracy stuff for them, which makes them feel sexy like sideboob centerfolds in an Aryans of 1939 calendar). He also joked about how he might have lifted the Johnson Amendment ban on pastors speaking politically, but he will put it right back on there if they start talking shit about him. Ha ha! Dictator joke! He actually delivered those jokes semi bigly goodly, for once.

Anyway, while we're on the subject of Aryans of 1939, here is Trump blaming the child abuse at his concentration camps on Barack Obama:

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Yay, Faith and Freedom Fucker funtimes!

Finally, after the speech, Trump brought his milkshake to the White House yard to say EVEN MORE crazy shit, if that's even possible.

What follows below is a minute and a half of so many more fucking lies about the border. He says if only the Democrats would give him the vicious laws he wants, then those poor people wouldn't have drowned in the Rio Grande. (We guess because they would have been murdered by gangs before they even thought about coming to the US border, because they wouldn't ever have thought the US was a shining city on a hill where the poor, tired and hungry are welcome.)

Then he lied and said his precious border wall is under construction right this very second. (Hey Chuck Todd, if you are out there reading and aren't too busy Both-Sides-ing your questions for tonight's debate, do you see how Wonkette does this? Trump says a lie, and we tell our readers the thing Trump says is a lie, because it is a lie, and our readers deserve to know that. We'll take our fucking "Meet The Press" anchor chair now.)

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Finally, what are Trump and his KGB handler Vladimir Putin going to talk about when they meet later this week? "None of your business." (It would probably be against his KGB handler Putin's rules to tell us.)

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And that is where we are SO FAR in Trump's big bumblefuck day. You guys, the first Democratic debate is tonight. Do you think it's possible Trump could embarrass America even more before the day is out? Of course he can! It's the only goal he's willing or able to apply himself toward achieving!

Stay tuned. The bugfuckening has only beginnethed!

BTW, this is your open thread, at least until it's debate time, at which point you go there but this is STILL the open thread. That shit gon be too busy for open thread. See ya, dicks.

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