Donald Trump Needs Jesus, Dammit

Nope.

[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/sarah-palin-knows-donald-trumps-favorite-bible-verse-is-all-of-them-katie"></a>[/wonkbar]One of the best things about this stupid Republican primary has been Donald J. Trump the New York Values thrice-marryer trying to convince wingnut Christians he's actually one of them. He LOVES going to church and partaking of the wine and the Jesus crackers, it's his favorite! He wanted to say his favorite Bible verse to Sarah Palin, but it was way too personal and he couldn't bring himself to share it. But then he found a Bible verse that was just terrific, from the book of Proverbs, where it says "Never bend to envy." Trump wouldn't want anybody envying his massive wealth, would he? Of course, that's not even in the Bible, but fuck it.

[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/donald-trump-terrific-at-saying-classiest-bible-verses-almost-perfectly"></a>[/wonkbar]Oh, but then he went to Liberty University and told everybody his favorite Bible verse was from TWO CORINTHIANS, man, fuckin' TWO CORINTHIANS is tremendous.

But turns out Tony Perkins chose that fave Bible verse for him, so it's time for a new one. Radio host Bob Lonsberry asked Trump for his favorite Bible verse, and he replied:

Well, I think many. I mean, when we get into the Bible, I think many, so many. And some people, look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that. That’s not a particularly nice thing. But you know, if you look at what’s happening to our country, I mean, when you see what’s going on with our country, how people are taking advantage of us, and how they scoff at us and laugh at us. And they laugh at our face, and they’re taking our jobs, they’re taking our money, they’re taking the health of our country. And we have to be firm and have to be very strong. And we can learn a lot from the Bible, that I can tell you.

Thanks Obama. Your White House Correspondents Dinner funtimes has made Donald Trump want to murder THE WHOLE WORLD.

[wonkbar]<a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/donald-trump-says-no-muslims-allowed-christians-only-republicans-appalled"></a>[/wonkbar]OK, we know that Trump has a revenge thing going on, what with how he wants to deport all the Muslims, killterrorists' families, "bomb the shit out of ISIS" andbuild a giant Mexican wall, yadda yadda.

So we believe he probably really thinks the following passage is TERRIFIC:

But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise. [Exodus 21: 23-25]

That would explain Trump's rallies. 

We are worried, though, as to how he would further put this passage into practice. If he believes Mexico is sending rapists to America, will he send rapists to Mexico? Just asking.

But goddammit, Donald Trump, you boisterous fuck-polyp, can we discuss Jesus for a minute? Because way many more pages into the Bible, after God schlongs Mary and makes a savior, Jesus is teaching his disciples, and he KIND OF throws shade at all that shit:

You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. [Matthew 5: 38-42]

Jesus is splaining that the whole "eye for an eye" thing is actually not the best way to do life! He's saying give to people who are needy, WITH YOUR OWN MONEY AND NOT JUST WITH ROUNDS OF GOLF. Who is this Jesus character anyway, and has he even read The Art Of The Deal ?

Donald Trump, we are going to level with you. You would, in fact, HATE Jesus. He says, "Blessed are the meek" instead of "Blessed are the YOOOOOOOGE." He wants us to be kind to foreigns, instead of deporting them. His full Sermon On The Mount was not about Making Galilee Great Again, and he didn't even deliver it from the Mar-a-Lago!

All that being said, Donald Trump, you fucking need Jesus.

[ Buzzfeed ]