Donald Trump Will Bomb Sh*t Out Of Ladies Who Have Abortions, Murder Their Families

Bad girl, go directly to jail

Uh oh. Donald Trump accidentally said a true thing about illegal abortions. Wait, what the what?

Donald Trump sparked a firestorm on Wednesday after saying that women should be punished for getting illegal abortions.

“There has to be some form of punishment,” Trump told MSNBC's Chris Matthews during a combative interview.

Matthews asked Trump whether he would ban abortion and how he would enforce such a policy.

“The answer is that there has to be some form of punishment,” Trump said in the interview taped for a town hall forum airing later Wednesday.

“For the woman?” Matthews responded.

“Yeah, there has to be some form,” Trump said.

The GOP front-runner didn't offer specifics, saying only that the punishment would "have to be determined."

Now, to be fair to us because we happen to like us and we think Trump should fuck himself with a rusty coat hanger in whatever back alley is closest, Trump's entire premise is wrong. Because, see, abortion should not be criminalized in the first place. It is good and wonderful and saves lives and should be affordable and accessible to any woman who does not want that fetus inside of her body parts, the end.

But.

 If you're going to make a common medical procedure a crime because baby-killing whores are killing their whore babies, then obviously they must be punished for their crime. You can't just go around committing illegal murders and getting away with it! How else you gonna learn to not do illegal abortion murders to your own unborned babies unless you are punished and rehabilitated?

Oh, but that's crazy talk, right? "Pro-lifers" don't want to punish the ladies who do the murders. Uh huh sure they don't. Remember when Georgia tossed a lady in jail last year and charged her with murder, for abortion-pilling her fetus to death? Yes, the state eventually dropped the charges, but that's because Georgia is a collective wad of pussies who lack the courage of their convictions.

We're supposed to think people who want to criminalize abortions and the ladies who have them are just some kindly grandmas calmly handing out cookies and brochures about how you're gonna burn in hell, dearie. However, Trump, who is quite new to this whole "pro-life" sham, isn't up to date on his lifey lingo. So oops, he stated the obvious and made "pro-lifers" look like heartless bastards.

Naturally, some professional "pro-lifers" ringed him up on his pager double-quick to correct him, so we are treated to this word salad statement to "clarify" what the "pro-lifers" want us to think Trump meant:

This issue is unclear and should be put back into the states for determination. Like Ronald Reagan, I am pro-life with exceptions, which I have outlined numerous times.

OK, got it. Abortions is too complicated for Trump's brain, better to make it illegal like Ronald Reagan would, then let the states decide it, except in certain cases. Which cases? CERTAIN ONES.

Good call. This way, everyone wins! Except for the ladies Googling how to do illegal abortions to themselves and possibly ending up dead, like in the good ol' pre- Roe days. But maybe if we make Googling illegal too, that should fix that problem, and then there will be no more abortions of any kind, and President Trump won't have to figure out clever ways to punish ladies who have them, and then America really will be so great again, it'll make your head spin.

[ The Hill ]