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Donald Trump's Hurricane Safety Tips!
Tax shelter in place.
With Hurricane Dorian expected to hit South or Central Florida with Category 3 or even Category 4 winds sometime early next week, the "president" of the United States of America took to Twitter to urge those in the path of danger to take appropriate steps to stay safe. Or to join him in slack-jawed amazement at the awesome power of nature. Or perhaps just to ramble unfocusedly about what a big frickin' deal this giant storm is, the biggest and yoogest storm he's seen on the TV, holy crap, wow.
— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1567122551.0
Hello, this is President Trump, and I'm standing in the Rose Garden of the White House, right in front of the Oval Office.
I am oriented as to space and time, and I can identify "camel."
Then Trump got to the "presidential" stuff, reassuring Americans he's on top of this. His hurricane briefing for the nation wasn't exactly a model of specific safety advice. Instead, it sounded like the sort of thing the guy at the end of the bar (drinking club soda) would exclaim while watching the weather report, because he's a Man Of The People:
And we're all working very, very hard on Hurricane Dorian. It's been - interesting. Because it looked like it was going to be a very small storm. But we all got lucky, it missed Puerto Rico. It hit the Virgin Islands, but not as bad as it could have. But it really began to form and form big, and now it's looking like it could be an absolute monster.
You should be very reassured! We were lucky, and wow, looka that! Now pay attention, this next information could save your life:
We're ready. We have the best people in the world ready. And they're gonna help you. We're shipping food, we're shipping water. But it may be that you're going to evacuate, we're gonna see what happens. We're waiting. It does seem almost certain that it's hitting dead center. And -- that's not good.
Dead center of what? Never mind. It's gonna be huge! Not good! So what should people in Dead Center, Florida, actually do? Welp, they should join the Great Leader in gawping at the awesome bigness of this very big, tremendous storm, very big!
The winds seem to be building at a tremendous rate. It looks like the winds are gonna be unbelievably high. We're all ready. And hopefully we'll get lucky. But it looks to me like this time, it's heading in one direction. All indications are, it's gonna hit very hard and it's gonna be very big. Somebody said bigger, or at least as big, as Andrew. And if you remember Andrew from many years ago, that was not good. So just be aware and be safe. And God bless you.
That's a pretty specific forecast: the storm is moving in one direction. Hey, what ever happened to those teen idols anyway? Anyhow, "be aware and stay safe" is all the advice I can give you, and if you need more information than that, go watch the local news and we'll catch you later when I wander through the wreckage and ask who owns that boat. It's right in somebody's yard! Isn't that wild?
Perhaps Trump is just nervous because the forecast has Dorian headed for his gilded trash palace near Palm Beach, or possibly his money pit trash resort where he wants to grift some Euros. Fox News and other wingnuts are tut-tutting over a tweet by former Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell, who said, "I'm rooting for a direct hit on Mar a Lago!" oh dear, the civility what has this world come to.
(Oh and sidenote: We DO love the concern trolls on the internet saying "UMMMMMM if you are wishing for the hurricane to hit Mar-a-Lago? Then that means you are wishing death and destruction on all the people around it? Not cool, bro, OK?" In response, we must note that we are fairly certain that A) people are being silly, and B) embedded in everyone's wishes for it to hit "Dead Center" at Mar-a-Lago is for it to also miraculously spare the apartment complex next door. Irrational, you say? No more irrational than thinking people's Twitter jokes control the weather.)
(Oh and other sidenote: Obviously commenting rules still apply, and we'd add that even at Mar-a-Lago, we only wish for property damage. But it should be a total loss.)
Trump was also so concerned about how the hurricane might
wreck his trash palaceaffect the great state of Florida and its 29 electoral votes that he cancelled a planned trip to Poland so he can stay on disaster watch, since he's so skilled at it. Trump was supposed to have commemorated the 80th anniversary of the start of World War II on Sunday, but will send Mike Pence to mark the glorious collapse of Antifa at the hands of nationalists.
That would be his second cancellation of a foreign trip in a month. He previously cancelled a visit to Denmark that would have been the second leg of the Warsaw trip, because Denmark wouldn't sell him Greeland. Now he can stay home and watch American TV with no interruptions, and besides, there wasn't any interesting territory he wanted to buy from Poland.
We're looking forward to Trump's additional advice for folks facing the storm in Florida. Like for instance maybe:
Stock up on hamberders. You don't need to worry if they sit at room temperature for a while, they're good enough for sports athletes.
Make sure your beautiful hot wife has stiletto heels ready for her visit to the disaster zone. Remember, the "I Don't Really Care, Do U?" jacket is for visits to children in border shelters. You don't want to make a fashion faux pas like that, or you might be mocked like Obama in a tan suit. (Never forget!)
If you have beachfront property that may be vulnerable, sell it to a Russian oligarch for a big profit and get to high ground.
More shelters now accept pets, so if an animal thinks you're worthy of its love, take it with you. I wouldn't know, frankly.
If you have a boat, you might be a hero, and maybe I'll throw you a roll of towels.
If you have to evacuate, make sure you go to a Trump resort. They're the best, accept no substitutes, NO GROUPONS.
If you need to access FEMA disaster funding, go ask at an ICE detention facility, because that's where the money went.
— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1537314142.0
You're on your own! Good luck!
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