Donald Trump's Physician Says Trump Will Be The Classiest Healthiest President Ever

he's here to trump you up

You have to figure that if you are Donald Trump, you probably want to surround yourself with people that are pretty much exactly like you. Boisterous bullyboys with the only the loosest relationship with the truth. Hyperbole-fueled nightmare demons with ridiculous hair. Unintentionally hilarious man-children. So it really shouldn't surprise any of us that when The Donald finally got around to getting the now-obligatory-even-though-it-actually-isn't-obligatory presidential candidate medical exam, it would be incredible. 

"To Whom My Concern." Well at least the guy won't outclass Mr. Trump's yooge and terrific diction.

Trust the Donald to have the yoooogest most luxurious medical results imaginable from only the very classiest doctor.

Seriously, what kind of doctor actually feels totally sanguine saying that their patient "will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency" when that doctor was, presumably, unable to go back in time andkill baby Hitlerexamine Zachary Taylor? What about Andrew Jackson? Maybe he was extraordinarily healthy. We mean, everyone knows that William Henry Harrison was a sickly little short-term twerp, but seriously, doc? You're really going to hold up Trump against 200+ years of presidents?

This letter was so over-the-top that even the relatively staid (and by "staid" we mean "not at all actually funny") CNN tried to make with the jokes about this thing.

I can't find a record of Dr. Bornstein serving as a personal physician to any of the 43 U.S. presidents. He did obtain his New York medical license back in 1976, so there is the theoretical possibility of his secretly serving every president since Jimmy Carter, but that still leaves out 86% of the individuals ever holding the chief executive position.

That would be a weak-ass joke over here at Yr Wonkette, but for CNN, that's a thigh-slapper.

We will give CNN credit for doing some sort of records review and dragging through a bunch of other presidential medical examinations so we don't have to. CNN quickly figured out that pretty much everyone else's physician, from the Big Dog to the newest Baby Brother Bush release things that are slightly more detailed and slightly less ludicrous. Hell, Jebbie's doctor listed every banal and embarrassing illness Jeb has ever had.

Prior medical history includes vitamin D insufficiency, gastritis, colon polyps, sinusitis, and low back pain.

Thank God The Donald has never had such a thing as gastritis. Gastritis is for the weak. Gastritis is for pussies. Gastritis is for losers.

Anyway, Trump was so proud of his yooge classy health report that he felt compelled to brag about it on the Twitters:

I am proud to share this health report, written by the highly respected Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital.

And then a while later, Trump deleted the tweet, possibly because somebody pointed out to him that Jacob Bornstein died five years ago, although his name is still at the top of the letterhead. The man with the world's greatest memory apparently forgot that it's the younger Dr. Bornstein he's been seeing since 1980. Trump will no doubt explain that he merely wanted to honor the elder Dr. Bornstein's memory, seeing as how Hillary Clinton killed him. 

[ Vox / CNN / The Verge ]