Don't Make Me Go To The DNC!

Self-helpy AF.

Imagine not wanting to spend your precious summer vacation with these absolute waterfall-inducing sex gods. Image via Wikipedia.

Welcome to an advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with opinions. This column will not diagnose or cure anything. Perhaps reading it will entertain and comfort you! Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I’ll  keep you anonymous.

Dear Sara,

My boyfriend works in politics and wants to take me to the Democratic National Convention in Chicago in August. (He is not a politician, thank God.) He would cover the whole thing, including flight, a very nice hotel, great restaurants, theater or museum tickets, etc. I would have to accompany him to certain work events.

For him, it’s a very important and fun networking experience where he will see lots of people he likes and respects, as well as prospective new clients. He’s genuinely looking forward to it and wants me to meet some of his longtime colleagues. I am not kidding when I say I would rather have a colonoscopy and a root canal.

A few reasons: the stress, the strain, the crowds, the traffic, the fact that while I am absolutely voting for President Biden, I’m not so high on it that I need to endure a huge pep rally. I’m fine with knowing candidates’ opinions on issues and voting accordingly. I donate to the ones I think are good enough. I speak up about things that matter to me. I educate myself about government issues. I try to do my part.

Even here, I am trying to justify why I don’t want to go to this thing, and trying to prove to you that I’m a good enough voter/American/liberal/whatever. Maybe I just needed to rant. - Let Me Stay Home

Dear LMSH,

First and most importantly, would you have the colonoscopy and the root canal at the same time? Because if you’re sedated and unconscious for the colonoscopy, that might actually be a great time to have an oral surgeon digging around in your gums. I think you just invented an efficient and relaxing new medical trend.

Also, when my brother was a nurse, they used to play thematic songs when patients were out during a colonoscopy. This was my favorite from the hilarious playlist.

Second, I know you said maybe you just needed to rant, but there was nothing ranty about your letter. In essence, you have described a luxury trip marred by boring speeches, swampy heat, a bunch of protests, too much traffic, and thousands of bizarre people wearing strange hats. Why the fuck would you want to waste vacation days on that? You can come to Chicago and enjoy it some other time.

Is your boyfriend the kind of man who will yell at you for not wanting to go to a thing he wants to attend? If so, why are you dating him? That sounds unhealthy and controlling. You’ve given no evidence of this, I am just trying to envision nightmare scenarios.

Perhaps you have put pressure on yourself to be as passionate about politics as your man is. Maybe you are even afraid that you will disappoint him by admitting you do not want to go to his dorkass version of Coachella.

Personally, I don’t want to go to anyone’s version of Coachella, unless it is actual Coachella and I am a personal guest of a mainstage performer or other Very Wealthy Celebrity With The Fancy VIP Passes. You want me to go to Glastonbury for any reason other than to the cross through the thin veil to Sacred Avalon? Mmkay. I want artist/presenter privileges, and there better be a nice big green room and many snacks and loads of air conditioning even though they often don’t have air con in other countries. I want to inspect the medical tent personally. I volunteered on the woefully understaffed crisis intervention team at Woodstock ‘99, honey, and 18-year-old baby Sara learned large public events can get real bad real quick.

But I digress. Here are some potential responses.

“No, but thank you for inviting me.” - No is indeed a complete sentence, but I’ve added a polite bit afterwards. You love this person and you know that from his perspective, this is a fun and exciting invitation. How nice that he wants to take you to what he believes is a fun and exciting thing! How nice that you know yourself well enough to understand it is simply not for you!

“That just isn’t for me, but I hope you have an amazing time.” - True, right?

“Yes, but you have to buy two-day VIP passes to the next BravoCon and come with me.” - This is only applicable if you are a Bravo fan and need to go see women yell at each other while Andy Cohen looks aggrieved. Which brings me to another excuse…

“Chicago was built on fetid, humid lowlands in defiance of Nature’s will and I would prefer not to catch RSV, COVID-19, norovirus, the flu, or swamp ass whilst there.” - You have to say “whilst” to make this run-on sentence really sing.

Having said all that, I will possibly be there if

Rebecca Schoenkopf

wants to hang out or if

Robyn Pennacchia

and I just need to gawk at specific cast members from The Daily Show or if Emily’s List needs volunteers, so we could hang out maybe, especially if you get me a pass to the day spa at whatever luxury hotel you’re staying at. But probably you should just tell this man you’re not into it. Otherwise, you’ll go and then resent him for it.

I suggest finding something fun you both love and building a true vacation around it, not something where he’s working half the time. Go on a Skee-ball vacation to the exotic Jersey Shore. It’ll be way more romantic and Bruce Springsteen and Jon Stewart will probably in both places, anyway.