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DOUG JONES WINS, ROLL TIDE, And Also, We DAMN WELL TOLD YOU SO!
AND NOW HE CAN GO THE MALL IN WASHINGTON.
Well well well. What have we here? I believe it is a Doug Jones in ALL Y'ALL'S STOCKINGS!!! Oh yeah, WE TOLD YOU SO!!!! The Democrat Doug Jones has gone and won himself a Senate seat and we could not be more delighted. DOUG JONES WON IT. I MEAN Y'ALL - HOLY SHIT, DOUG JONES BEAT ROY MOORE! In your FACE Steve Bannon! Fuck you GOP! SUCK it Donald Trump! GOODBYE KAYLA MOORE! We do not want, need, or have to hear from you or your (credibly accused) sexual predator husband anymore -- not about how you have the black community for friends, or what kind of lawyers you like best, you understand me? And all of America, you're very welcome -- because do not forget, this also means that this "very red state" actually just made the whole Senate a little bit bluer, which means you must all be APPRECIATIVE OF ALABAMA.
Now, I'll admit I admire the idea of "going high" like Michelle Obama and all, and I really would like to incorporate that sort of behavior into my repertoire. But I gotta be honest, even though it is systemically destroying democracy, and leading us closer to nuclear war -- I'm kinda excited to see what Trump's next tweet will be. Something about how he is glad he didn't ever endorse Roy Moore? Or go to Pensacola to campaign? Or make Robocalls? Let's speculate about that, shall we?
So far from what we can tell this is the fault of Mitch McConnell for saying that he was going to let the people of Alabama make their own decisions on Roy Moore -- and lo and behold the people have decided that, in fact, more Alabamians do notlike their Senators to also be (credibly accused) pedos who believe America was great when "united" families had slaves (slaves' families curiously unaccounted for), that gays should have their children taken away, that neither Muslims nor women should ever be in politics because they are both scary and gross, and God did 9/11. Mitch McConnell is also being a dick about when he will certify Doug Jones -- Mitch just doesn't know when he will FEEL LIKE IT OKAY? -- because that shit with Merrick Garland felt too good, and Mitch has some shitty tax bill to keep trying to pass first.
But for right now, just for tonight, and most importantly, for the first time in its entire history of always and only sucking, Alabama did not suck -- by about 20,000 people -- and that's not nothing. Who in the hell could have ever seen that coming? OH RIGHT WE DID!
Also, as always and just in general, thank you to the University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban to whom, based on many many many people from whom we have heard, most of the 22K write in votes were given, because even if they did not vote for Doug Jones, those people also did not vote for Roy Moore, and that is okay by me since DOUG JONES WON. ROLL TIDE.
We will also too be accepting your apologies for doubting me as I assured you that DOUG JONES WOULD WIN (I thought. Maybe), along with congratulations and expressions of fealty in the form of cash donations in our name to our wonkettes in honor of how AWESOME ALABAMA IS TODAY. And you can follow me on twitter, because that is fun for me. Cheers to all of you -- this is a very good and historic day, I want you all to be happy, and never forget that I TOLD YOU SO.