Early Jewish Christmas Has Jews Very Confused

Hanukkah/Chaunkkah, the ancient Hebrew celebration of Christmas, has decided to come early this year -- which is strange because baby Jeebus' birthday isn't for another four weeks. Now Jews everywhere are going to be confused and will have to get in the Festive Spirit even though it doesn’t quite feel like Christmas yet. Oh, well. So, what do all the Jewish boys and girls in D.C. want for Fake Christmas this year? Free latkes and David Frum, of course.

Where to celebrate Hanukkah in D.C.:

•  The National Chanukah Menorah Lighting:  Not to be confused with the National Christmas Tree Lighting, which is December 9 and “officially marks the beginning of the holiday season across the country," this Not As Important Lighting Ceremony is Wednesday, December 1 at 4PM. The event features dreidels, doughnuts and latkes and no, you don't need to find a small child or enter a lottery in order to get tickets.

•  Latke & Sparkling Wine Tasting at Cork Market:  To celebrate Hanukkah (and to feature their overpriced Hanukkah menu, because yes, the people will come even if you charge more than Whole Foods for gourmet goods), Cork Market is inviting people of all faiths to sample their latkes and sparkling wine on Wednesday, December 1 from 6PM-8PM.

•  Republican Jewish Coalition DC Hanukkah Party:  Eight nights, by our analysis, is much longer than David Frum lasted at AEI after he blamed the Republicans for the health care bill. Nonetheless, the Republican Jewish Coalition has decided that he is capable of speaking about miracles, as he is the featured speaker at their Hanukkah Party on December 2.

•  Uptown Deli:  The Jewish Deli for which D.C. has waited a long time is hosting a Hanukkah celebration on December 2. The event features latkes, cookies and donuts, but youwill have to find a small child in order to play the “spin, win or donate” dreidel game: only children 12 and under will be allowed to spin the dreidel for the chance to win a cookie or to make a generous donation to charity.

•  A JEWMONGOUS Chanukah Party:  Sixth and I Historic Synagogue is hosting the man who wrote the theme song toWhere in the World is Carmen San Diego? , only now he is all grown up and tells inappropriate jokes, in Temple. The comedy event is Saturday, December 4, is for adults 21 and over and includes music, dancing, snacks, and a cash bar. Tickets are $20.

•  Hanukkah Happy Hour on the Hill:  This Hanukkah event crams thousands of young, horny, single Jewish professionals into bars on the Hill, for charity. The happy hour is Monday, December 6 from 6-9PM and this year it's at both The Pour House AND Hawk 'N' Dove, as it's impossible to fit thousands of young, horny, single Jewish professionals in just one bar. Cost is $5 and they will be accepting donations of gloves, socks, scarves, hats, shampoo, lotion and hand sanitizer for D.C.’s homeless community.

•  Firefly:  Because latkes aren't delicious and greasy enough all by themselves, the restaurant Firefly will be serving their latkes topped with Chicken Liver Pate and Salted Radishes, Smoked Sablefish, Pickled Shallots and Scallion Cream and Spice-Poached Pear with Ginger Chips. The trio sells for $12.

•  Matzo Ball:  When it's finally real Christmas, and all the Jews are especially bored because their commercialized holiday has come and gone, there will always be the Matzo Ball, a dance party for Jews on Christmas Eve that is nothing more than JDate in real life on steroids.