Elizabeth Warren Will Dance On Your Dumb Face Because She Has A Plan For That

Remember the famous Emma Goldman quote: Stop dancing, you're embarrassing the revolution.

Sorry guys, but Elizabeth Warren is flip-flopping and being inauthentic again. For one thing, we heard Goody Warren has been dancing, the internet told us. 

There is even video evidence!

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You are free to click around the bad parts of the internet and witness people saying it is disrespectful for Elizabeth Warren to dance while Donald Trump is bombing Iran or that she is being fake or that she is being "cringe," or you can just skip to Cory Booker's response to it, which is *chef's kiss*.

Raise your hand if you know why people are trolling Elizabeth's dance moves and not my dad jokes https: //t.co/SUsyIQDlPZ

— Cory Booker (@Cory Booker) 1578594879.0 

And that is officially all the time we've got for that shit.

In other news, Warren has just released videos and interviews with both Elle AND ALSO Cosmo , a day apart, like OK, PICK ONE MAGAZINE, FLIP-FLOPPER!

We are just fooling, of course. The Elle and the Cosmo things are both super-fun, and even if Warren is not your number one candidate -- you all know that one of these people is going to win, and we all need to be ready to jump on whichever bandwagon so hard our ankles break, right? -- you will probably enjoy them right good!

We'll start with the Cosmo because of how Warren again threatens to dance, saying she really loves it when the selfie line starts because they play Dolly Parton's "9 to 5," and she just has a hard time not dancing to that.

This heads into a full-throated defense of Warren's approach for actually achieving Medicare For All, and a discussion of money in politics, where Warren notes that on the very day Kamala Harris dropped out of the race because she didn't have enough money, "a billionaire bought his way onto the debate stage."

It's not that she hates rich people -- far from it! -- she just wants them to contribute their fair share in taxes, and not contribute more than their fair share to our democratic process:

You know, I get it. Rich people, they're going to own more shoes than everybody else. They're going to own more jewelry than everybody else. They may own more houses than everybody else. But they're not supposed to own a bigger share of our democracy.

This was followed by wonky details about Warren's wealth tax and all kinds of discussions of I Have A Plan For That, etc.

Warren also addressed the killing of Qasem Soleimani, noting that he "was a bad guy but a high-ranking Iranian government official," and that Trump's actions "[have] not made America safer." It's funny, because Chris Cillizza was just telling us the other day how Warren was a big flip-flopper about Soleimani, and there she is, saying literally everything she's been saying about it from the beginning. Huh.

Anyway, you, a Wonkette reader, know Warren's platforms, so let's move on to the good stuff.

Elizabeth Warren, what is your New Year's resolution, besides "be president"?

Elizabeth Warren: Walk more, more exercise. I'm trying to up my mileage, my daily mileage.

Jessica Pels: From where to where?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, I don't know. My eyes may have been bigger than what I can manage here, but I want to go from six and a half miles to seven every day.

Elizabeth Warren walks more than you do. That is what we take from that.

Warren tells Cosmo that out of all the Little Women, she is a "Jo," and that out of all the coffee shops, she is a "Dunkin' Donuts." She also says she'll bring her dog Bailey to the White House if she wins, and that you really should make her win, because if she does, we all get eight full years of Kate McKinnon playing her on "Saturday Night Live." (This may be the best campaign platform she's come up with yet, TBH.)

If you'd like to read the whole   Cosmo thing and watch the video, you'll have to hit their website because it ain't embeddable.

You'll have to do the same for Elle , which sucks because it literally is just a video. But it's a REALLY FUN VIDEO. 

In this one, Warren answers questions for readers, like should this one woman keep pursuing a guy who basically quit talking to her, but still watches her Instagram stories (DROP HIM); how can another person get their non-dog-interested roommate into the idea of getting a dog (Warren encourages the devious trickery of taking the roommate to a dog shelter and causing them to accidentally fall in love with a specific dog); and how to make it up to your friend whose birthday you forgot (GROVEL AND BRIBE WITH CHOCOLATE).

Turns out she really does have a plan for all things!

Warren also talks about serious stuff in the Elle video, which is, again, unembeddable, so clickit. 

("Dear Wonkette, oh won't you please write about our wonderful funderful Elizabeth Warren feature films? Yes, we're going to make this difficult for you and you're actually going to have to expend time watching them and writing about them instead of just making it easy for you to promote our stuff.")

Hey, know what video you can watch right here? This one from Warren's campaign page on Facebook, where she takes a question from an oh-so-earnest evangelical white dude voter whining about how nobody will respect his right to ban women from making their own bodily decisions. Her answer is masterful:

And that is your fun Elizabeth Warren post for your Thursday afternoon, and this is your OPEN THREAD.

[ Cosmo / Elle ]

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