Emergency Wonkette Endorsement: 'Jody Hice' For Whatever He's Running For

More proof that Wonkette readers are the best and most attractive readers on the whole Internets! A casual mention that we aren't up on any of the hilarious goings-on in today's Georgia primary immediately gets us a tip from hero commenter TJBeck that we should take a good, hard look at one "Jody Hice." Just going to his website rewards the reader with the awesomely composited hunk of Flash animation above, with the candidate and the swooping eagle and the real corporeal flag and the ghostly spirit flag behind it, all emerging from sort of dimensional portal, all set to dramatic orchestral music. But are there YouTube videos, you're probably asking? With CGI'd words swooping around nauseatingly? Oh, yes, there are YouTube videos.

You know who cares a lot about the Constitution? Jody Hice! Watch a suit-wearing Jody wander aimlessly, Tim James-style, around somebody's mansion (his own?), taking his oath of office, before even being elected.

Ha ha, this Southern conservative is quoting Lincoln approvingly! Lincoln said that the "people" should be able to overrule the courts, especially when the courts said that slavery should be legal, and that Lincoln couldn't hold people in jail indefinitely without charges, for Southern-style treason.

"Well," you're probably thinking, "that's all well and good, but Jody is spending all his time in that ad inside, wearing a suit, talking about law stuff, not shooting anybody. Is he some kind of homo?" Heck no!

God gave you the right to have guns. And guns are necessary, because sometimes you have "defend yourself from government," with guns. (Lincoln would have thrown you in jail for that, Jody, but whatever.) Jody also has a concealed weapon permit, but he may not really understand what that entails. Jody, just painting your rifle barrel in camouflage doesn't "conceal" it per se! 

But just in case you still think Jody might be a little too gay to be your Congressman, he busts out his secret weapon:  Oh yeah, you'd better believe he's married! To a lady! 

This video is called "A lifetime of servant leadership," which is fundie code for "ladies should not have political or economic autonomy" (we menfolk serve them by making the decisions their feeble brains cannot, you see). But still, there is no active wife-dominating in this video. Thrill to the raw sexual electricity between these two! (Did they emerge from an impromptu sex session in a copse of trees at 1: 35? Probably!) Swoon as you envision Jody running a half-marathon! Scratch your head as Jody blathers on about "death ... illness ... all that type of thing"!

So after all that, what do you need to "seal the deal," as they say? A poster pointing out that Obama is an actual literal Communist? Sure, why not.

All Georgians should vote for Jody, immediately and repeatedly. [ JodyHice.com / 11 Alive ]