Everybody In White House (Including Trump!) Hates Jared Kushner And His Stupid Shit-Mouthed Face

HIS FAULT.

Did we not JUST SAY it's going to be real darn tootin' funny, as special counsel Robert Mueller continues to close in on Donald Trump and his family/pussgrabbing buddies, when the spotlight shines on Jared Kushner and the Trump White House immediately begins pretending they don't know the president's son-in-law? WE DID. Well, Gabe Sherman has a new palace intrigue report in  Vanity Fair  , and while the White House isn't quite to the point of acting like literally nobody in the Trump family has ever Gone To Jared, it is at the point where the president is reportedly bitching to his BFFs on the Obamaphone about how GRRRRR JARED IS SO STUPID, WHY DOES MY HOT DAUGHTER HAVE SUCH BAD TASTE IN MEN/PRESIDENTIAL ADVISERS?

First, though, before we get to the dirty nasty Jared gossip, let's set the scene with this quote:

“Here’s what Manafort’s indictment tells me: Mueller is going to go over every financial dealing of Jared Kushner and the Trump Organization,” said former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg. “Trump is at 33 percent in Gallup. You can’t go any lower. He’s fucked.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED.

Now, Gabe Sherman, tell us how Donald Trump hates Jared and Roger Stone hates Jared and Sam Nunberg hates Jared and Steve Bannon hates Jared and Fox News hates Jared and Senate Republicans hate Jared and House Republicans hate Jared, and hell, maybe Ivanka made that Spotify sexxx playlist for SOMEONE ELSE, because it's possible at this point she hates Jared too:

Speaking to Steve Bannon on Tuesday, Trump blamed Jared Kushner for his role in decisions, specifically the firings of Mike Flynn and James Comey, that led to Mueller’s appointment, according to a source briefed on the call. When Roger Stone recently told Trump that Kushner was giving him bad political advice, Trump agreed, according to someone familiar with the conversation. “Jared is the worst political adviser in the White House in modern history,” Nunberg said. “I’m only saying publicly what everyone says behind the scenes at Fox News, in conservative media, and the Senate and Congress.”

That's right, Jared, YOU SUCK. You give the worst advice and you microwave leftover fish in Kellyanne Conway's office and you are very bad at lovemaking too. (SHUT UP, 'VANKA, IT HAPPENS TO ALL GUYS!)

But the gossip about everybody hating Jared The Poopbrain isn't the only scoop in the VF piece. Remember how smart guys Steve Bannon and Newt Gingrich have super-hot plans for how to rein in Robert Mueller, and Sean Hannity's been having gross smegma-splosions about how ROBERT MUELLER sold GIRL SCOUT COOKIES to HILLARY CLINTON but instead of paying him DOLLARS she paid him URANIUM and told him to give it to RUSSIA? Remember how General John Kelly, who used to have a modicum of self-respect, has been falling in line like a good "Can Do" Marine and having the same sorts of smegma-splosions? Kelly wants a special counsel to 'vestigate their "crimes"!

Sherman reports that Roger Stone wants a special counsel to do that too! Stone is apparently saying the quiet parts loud (again) about how this would be a REAL GOOD way for Trump to obstruct justice in the Mueller investigation:

It’s a bit of a bank shot, but as Stone described it, a special prosecutor looking into Uranium One would also have to investigate the F.B.I.’s role in approving the deal, thereby making Mueller—who was in charge of the bureau at the time—a target. Stone’s choice for a special prosecutor: Rudy Giuliani law colleague Marc Mukasey or Fox News pundit Andrew Napolitano.

HAHAHAHA, GOOD PLAN. Get a loud idiot fake Fox News judge to do a BIG IMPORTANT INVESTIGATION into Hillary Clinton, then BING BONG! BYE BYE MUELLER! This plan will definitely work.

Gabe Sherman's report also says people in the White House are legit worried the Mueller investigation will lead to Trump being impeached, to which we can only say FROM YOUR SHIT MOUTHS TO GOD'S EARS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

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[ Vanity Fair ]