Everybody Who Maybe Bribed Michael Cohen Needs To STOP FUCKING TALKING RIGHT NOW

Quick update on Michael Cohen and his secret Essential Consultants LLC, where companies from sea to shining sea and also in foreign lands can pay bribes (maybe!) for access to the president, or for other purposes, like buying one thousand marshmallows for Michael Cohen to put in his cheeks while he sleeps, to preserve their perfect chubby shape for when MIS-TURR TWUMP'S tiny orange dick isn't in there. The LLC is also good for funneling payments to porn stars to make them STFU about how Trump attempted to use said genital appendage to romance them. And for Russian conspiracies, ALLEGEDLY.

All the companies listed in Michael Avenatti's sexxxxy dossier of Michael Cohen secrets are coming forward to say, "Yeah, we gave Cohen all the money." And all their excuses are so OMGHOLYSHIT stupid, we cannot even keep a straight face right now.

For instance, pharma giant Novartis! The Washington Post   is reporting that special counsel Robert Mueller has been looking into Novartis's payments to Cohen, and that the company has cooperated. On Tuesday, Novartis's response was something akin to "UHHHHH our last CEO did that, but it's over now." Avenatti's dossier claimed Novartis had paid Cohen almost $400,000, but now Novartis has updated that statement, saying it actually paid Cohen ONE POINT TWO MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS for ... what even the fuck ...

Novartis said it believed Cohen "could advise the company as to how the Trump administration might approach certain U.S. health-care policy matters, including the Affordable Care Act."

But just a month after signing the deal, Novartis executives had their first meeting with Cohen, and afterward "determined that Michael Cohen and Essentials Consultants would be unable to provide the services that Novartis had anticipated."

YOU THINK?

But Novartis kept on paying Cohen, despite that fact.

OH MY GOD.

Novartis says this definitely had nothing to do with the sexxxy dinner they scored with Trump at Davos, so don't you go thinking that.

Korean Airspace Industries LTD admits funneling money to Cohen's porn boobies company, because this is why:

Korean Aerospace Industries confirmed to The Washington Post that it paid $150,000 to Cohen’s company, but spokesman Oh Sung-keon said that it was not aware of its connection to Trump.

The company said that it paid Cohen’s firm “to inform reorganization of our internal accounting system.”

OH FUCK YOU, NOBODY ON EARTH IS PAYING MICHAEL COHEN TO FIX THEIR ACCOUNTING SYSTEMS OR EVEN ORGANIZE THEIR POST-ITS. Literally of all the bullshits from all the companies, this is the stupidest. MICHAEL COHEN? INTERNAL ACCOUNTING SYSTEM REORGANIZER? Dude couldn't even "internally account" his porn star hush money slush fund separately from his Fortune 400 Company 'Insights' account.

The company is in contention for a multibillion joint U.S. contract with Lockheed Martin for jet trainers.

Cool.

What about you, AT&T?

AT&T also confirmed that it paid $200,000 to Essential Consultants, saying it was one of several firms hired in 2017 “to provide insights into understanding the new administration.”

DEF not about that proposed merger with Time Warner!

And Columbus Nova, the American investment firm that is a subsidiary of the Russian Renova Group -- because Andrew Intrater, head of Columbus Nova, is KISSIN' COUSINS with Viktor Vekselberg, who runs Renova -- says it just gave Michael Cohen $500,000 for real estate advice, because everybody knows the best way to get real estate advice is to meet the president's fixer thug "lawyer" at the inauguration and funnel him $500,000 that has NOTHING to do with your Russian oligarch bid'ness partner wanting to launder money in the president's general direction, BITE ME, YOU FUCKERS.

GUYS. Guys! Can we have a corporate board meeting right now? We are Wonkette Consulting LLC and we provide important advice on how not to say the stupidest bullshit we have ever heard. Our fee is one million dollars, payable right here, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT.

Michael Cohen is the WORLD'S   WORST   LAWYER.He is an incredibly stupid man who somehow graduated from Cooley Law School, known in legal circles as "the worst law school in America." He bones himself every seven seconds in his capacity as the "legal brains" behind Donald Trump, the world's most pathetic popular vote loser of all time, who has very small hands and, based on his Twitter, cannot speak English even a little bit.

You CANNOT expect anyone to believe you are paying Michael Cohen for actual consulting or accounting or real estate advice. It is just not plausible! Dude isn't even registered as a lobbyist, so you can't call it that, either. And he only set up his Trump Porn Booby Payoffs LLC to wire cash to porn stars for their silence on Trump, so maybe you shouldn't pay him there . And again, HE'S NOT A REAL LAWYER! The only people on earth stupid enough to hire Cohen are Donald Trump and Sean Hannity! 

Speaking of:

In light of recent news I’m even more confident that @seanhannity retention of Michael Cohen to advise on real estate decisions was completely legit. 🕸🕷

— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) May 9, 2018 

Anyway, the point is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU? WERE YOU ALL DROPPED ON THE HEAD AS BABIES?

Don't answer that, Sean Hannity, we can see the shape of your head from here and can tell that's probably a sore subject for you.

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[ Washington Post ]