Everything You Wanted To Know About Joe Biden's Speech Tonight But Were Too Dumb To Ask!

There ARE TOO stupid questions.

The 100th day of Joe Biden's presidency is tomorrow. Tonight, the president will address a joint session of (a few members of) Congress for the first time, but don't call it the State of the Union, because that's not what it is. That said, he's probably gonna say a lot of things about the actual state of the union, like he's been doing a bunch of work these past 99 days or something.

Truth be told, he really has done quite a lot. He passed an enormous COVID relief bill and he's blown past his original goals for getting America vaccinated, though he'll likely spend a good bit of time tonight encouraging all those Americans to get vaccinated who have so far been unwilling . (There are a lot of them.)

He's moved on to infrastructure with his American Jobs Plan, and tonight will be unveiling the second part of that, his American Families Plan, which is not to be confused with the American Family Association, a vicious anti-LGBT/anti-woman hate group. The $1.8 trillion plan plans to eat the rich in order togive free Kamala Harris books to every child in Americapay for education and other nice things families need like child care and paid family leave.

Oh, and we have a feeling he might say something about the need for Congress to pass S. 1, the For The People Act, to ensure that all eligible Americans are allowed to vote and have their votes counted fairly and un-gerrymandered-ly, even if that means Republicans have to come up with a new strategy to win elections besides "steal them."

The AP has more to expect from Biden's speech tonight, CNN has a neat thing on his speech preparations, the Washington Post   has a HUGE roundup of Biden's first-100-days accomplishments, and Wonkette will have a full post on the American Families Plan in just a bit, you sit tight.

President Biden goes into tonight's speech universally loathed by everybody except for a solid majority of the American public. (Also the entire world hates us a little less than they did six months ago. Hooray!) The Five Thirty Eight running average has Biden with an approval rating of 54.4 percent, which is far higher than anything Donald Trump ever accomplished in office, considering he never even got to half. Politico has Biden's approval rating at  60 percent, and notes that according to its own polling, Trump was at 48 percent at the same time in his clownass "presidency." Biden's approval rating on COVID alone is 64 percent. 

Of course, tonight's joint address to Congress, which comes further along in Biden's presidency than it has in recent administrations, will be different in a number of ways. For one, it will be the first time there will be two women sitting behind the president. We're used to seeing Speaker Nancy Pelosi back there — though MSNBC's Kyle Griffin notes that Pelosi became the first woman to sit in that position a mere 14 years ago — but now she will be sitting next to Vice President Kamala Harris.

First Lady Jill Biden will be there, as will Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff, but because of COVID, there won't be any other guests or congressional spouses.

Not much of Congress will be there either. There'll only be 200 guests total, with members of Congress who got invitations evenly divided between the parties, which is FINE with the Republicans who don't get to go, because Republicans didn't WANT TO GO ANYWAY, because they had OTHER PLANS with COOL PEOPLE who go to a DIFFERENT SCHOOL.

Lindsey Graham is going, though, at least in part, he told the New York Times , because "I got nothing else to do." We believe him.

Most of the Cabinet won't be present. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin will be there, as will Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley and Secretary of State Antony Blinken. Representing the Donald Trump Supreme Court of Unqualified Fuckjobs Who Like Beer will be John Roberts.

Speaker Pelosi says it's gonna be just lovely, though, just you watch:

"It'll be its own wonderful character," Ms. Pelosi said of the atmosphere for the speech. "We go from 1,600 people to 200 people. That's a different dynamic, but it has its own worth."

It's like getting to see your favorite band at a little club!

Tonight's speech will be the first presidential joint address to Congress to happen on the site of a recent domestic terrorist attack incited by the previous president. So that's some tension. (Indeed, the New York Times reports that anybody who doesn't have an invitation has to GTFO of the building by 5 p.m.) Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer say they've been heavily briefed on the security for tonight's festivities, and are confident things will be fine.

Also, there will be no designated survivor. Usually one member of the Cabinet is chosen to stay home and pick the bon-bons out of their belly buttons and watch it on TV, in case something catastrophic happens and they have to assume the presidency. But again, most of the Cabinet is staying home this time because of COVID, so no designated survivor.

The GOP response will be delivered by South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, jerkoff motion who cares. Politico Playbook reports that Senator Marco Rubio's advice to Scott was "Yeah, drink water before." Haw haw, we get it.

The event is at 9 p.m. tonight, Eastern, and will be on all the channels and all the internets. And of course, Wonkette will be liveblogging, or at least livestreaming, or maybe we'll just leave you alone by yourself with Joe Biden, where you'll be defenseless to protect yourself from his aggravated cheeseburger stealing.

Guess you'll just have to wait and see.

[ New York Times ]

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