F*CKFEST IN UTAH, Y'ALL!

This post isn't remotely about Mitt Romney fucking. OR IS IT?

Everybody put on your favorite magic Mormon underpants, because it's time to go to Utah and let somebody what is not your lawfully covenant temple-married spouse RIP THEM OFF AND THROW THEM INTO THE GREAT SALT LAKE, because the governor of Utah has legalized all the fucking, even with people you are not wedded to. That's right, Romney family! You guys can do extracurriculars if you want now!

(Remember, Mittens, it's not the size of the car that counts, but the motion of the car elevator!)

So first there was HB40, which legalized sodomy and adultery in Utah. (See? EXTRACURRICULAR BUTT STUFF, Romneys! It will be your favorite!) And then there was SB43, which legalized fornication. And Utah Governor Gary Herbert signed 'em all!

Of course, all of this is a slippery slope to human-animal hybrids and Mormon prophets marrying their very own seer stones, and you know what else is gonna be a slippery slope? Park City and the entire Silicon Slopes metropolitan area, after tumescent Utahns fuck all over it.

Of course, it's not like these laws were enforceable in the first place -- Lawrence v. Texas struck down sodomy laws nationwide in 2003 -- so it's not like a hot cop was gonna show you his nightstick if you got randy after taking the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Christmas performance of "O Come, All Ye Faithful" li'l bit too literally .

There were, of course, total asshole legislators who really think it's their job to stick Mormon God inside your underpants to act as a hall monitor, like GOP state Rep. Kevin Stratton of Orem, who said , "What is legally [ sic ] is often far below what is morally right," and that he "recognize[s] our laws are not strong enough to rule a immoral people." So listen up, Utahns, when you're in the bone zone tonight, instead of singing the Brigham Young University fight song as per tradition while you are 'gasming ("Rise and shout, the Cougars are out!"), just yell Kevin Stratton's name real loud, because fuck him.

In summary and in conclusion, and in honor of Utah's newfound freedom of toe curling, the Utah Jazz basketball team has been renamed the Utah Jizz, because "Jazz" never made any fucking sense in the first place once the team moved out of New Orleans, OK?

Look, it's your TGIF OPEN THREAD!

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