Florida Man Tries To Salvage Terrible Week, Asks Cops To Test His Meth For Contamination

It's no weed, alligators, and stripper pole, but it'll have to do.

It has been one sorry-ass week of trauma and sadness here in Donald Trump's America, but at least we still have Florida Man to lift our spirits with his unfailingly stupid japery. The particular incarnation of Florida Man you see above is Douglas Peter Kelly, of the northern Florida community of Hawthorne, who suspected he may have purchased some tainted methamphetamine, because after he bought it a week or so back, he had what he said was a "bad reaction" when he smoked it.

On Tuesday -- which means he'd had some time to think this all over -- Mr. Kelly contacted the Putnam County Sheriff's office and said he suspected that because of the "violent reaction" he'd had, he believed that what he'd been sold was either the wrong drug, or at least not the good, wholesome meth he'd bargained for, and could the drug lab please test the stuff for him? If he'd been sold tainted goods, he said, he wanted to press charges against the dastardly fraud who'd sold him counterfeit meth.

The detective Kelly spoke to explained they'd be happy to help him out with that, you bet. As the Sheriff's Office Facebook post explains,

Kelly drove to the sheriff's office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil.

The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.

Kelly was arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine. He was walked to the Putnam County Jail and held on $5,000 bond.

The Facebook post closed with a public-service reminder that "our detectives are always ready to assist anyone who believes they were misled in their illegal drug purchase." They just like being servicey that way.

Yr Wonkette also briefly considered this story from the Twitters:

Florida Man Arrested for Driving Stolen Vehicle While Monkey Clings to Chest https: //t.co/QHxRJOoCkP https://t.co/dsfZFdD42l

— Florida Man (@Florida Man) 1528484157.0 

But once we read the actual story, we learned that the Florida Man twitter account hadn't quite accurately summarized the true facts of the case: while it's true that the capuchin monkey clung to the man's chest as he was arrested, the story from the Tampa Bay Times is mute on the question of where the monkey actually was while the young man was on his 30-mile drive -- which ended when he drove the stolen car into a ditch. Also, the guy had no exotic animal permit, so the monkey was sent to a primate sanctuary. But the video of the monkey being taken away was sad -- licensed or no, the monkey kept reaching out to the idiot owner, trying to put its arms around his neck, and it looked genuinely apprehensive about being taken away.

Huh. Maybe Florida Man wasn't an altogether great way to get our mind off the news.

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[ Miami Herald / Tampa Bay Times ]