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Liveblogging Barack Obama's 100th Birthday
Hey friends welcome to the first (1st) part of the liveblog! If you're joining us from "YouTube," "aloha" to you. And a very special "Feliz Navidad" to our Barack Obama, who has been the President for 100 days at this point, today. Let's hear his smug self-congratulations.
8: 00 PM -- Yay, here we go! Katie Couric's ruffled collar made a joke about dealing with "100 problems." Oh ha ha. Let's check in with Chip Reid.
8: 01 PM -- Chip Reid: 100 days is an "artificial date." Alternatively: it's April 29th.
8: 02 PM -- Swine flu update: school is closed, kids, Obama said so. No half-day bullshit. Obama's ordered $1.5 billion dollars for medical stimulus purposes. Again, with the school closings.
8: 04 PM -- SHOUT OUT to House and Senate (Reid! Pelosi!) for passing the Stimulus. Tax cuts all around, etc.
8: 05 PM -- We can't use sand for money, which, incidentally, was the GOP's counter-proposal.
8: 06 PM -- Sayonara Gitmo, and torture. That includes you, Olbermann.
8: 07 PM -- Obama makes a list of all the progress binaries he can think of, aloud. Pleased/not content; efficient/but not as efficient as it needs to be, etc. Swine Flu has no correlating binary term, FYI.
8: 07 PM -- He looks forward to the Next 100 days, and the 100 days after that! Okay question time!
8: 08 PM -- Hi Jennifer, funsy mint one-piece!
8: 09 PM -- It's conspicuous that Obama has yet to say the term "Swine Flu." He's talked to doctors about it though, on a crucial HOUR TO HOUR basis.
8: 09 PM -- Nuking Mexico's borders would be like setting horses free after they've already run away. Mmhmm.
8: 09 PM -- Remember bird flu? Obviously not, because it killed everyone alive in 2005.
8: 10 PM -- WASH YR HANDS, slobs. "It sounds trivial, but it makes a huge difference."
8: 12 PM -- Literally this will all just go away, like SARS, if you guys just wash your hands. Okay, Jennifer?
8: 12 PM -- Car talk from the Detroit Free Press: BHO is hopeful about Chrysler not going the way of the Earth's human population in 2005.
8: 13 PM -- GM, not GM is a different story. He basically just said GM has a good personality, but beyond that...
8: 14 PM -- Blah, blah, "restructuring," "dollars." Chrysler did the right thing, filing for bankruptcy! It was a PRECAUTION, which is a thing Obama is always going on about.
8: 15 PM -- Jake Tapper! Asking the tuff questions about waterboarding.
8: 16 PM -- Obama literally sighs. "Jake. Please," he basically exhales.
8: 17 PM -- Yeah, as he has already said, waterboarding is torture.
8: 17 PM -- Professor Obama, going on about Nazis and Churchill. All American foreign and domestic policy can actually be traced back to a Churchillian epigram.
8: 19 PM -- He said "Allies." That's an arguable WWII reference. Also "enemy." That's three references.
8: 20 PM -- JAKE. Again, with the "did Bush torture?" Obama: yes, of course.
8: 20 PM -- If you were Dick Cheney, Barack Obama, what would you have done?
8: 21 PM -- I have played this game many times before, with my National Security Team. It is filthy.
8: 22 PM -- Ha, some reporter just said he "wanted to move to Pakistan." LIES FROM THE MSM.
8: 23 PM -- Obama is all about securing Pakistan's nuclear arsenal. Still, he's "gravely concerned"—not that there's anything to freak out about, right now — but the government there? Not so stable.
8: 24 PM -- "We need to help Pakistan help Pakistanis."
8: 25 PM -- In fact, while everyone was worrying about India, the real threat was ominously non-specific "Balkan extremists," who rule through ambiguity. And nuclear weapons.
8: 26 PM -- Iraq! Ummm... we need do "serious work," on things, which is the militaristic equivalent of "washing one's fucking hands."
8: 28 PM -- Chip again! With the Arlen Specter.
8: 29 PM -- Obama has ALWAYS loved Arlen Specter, you guys. Fuckin, Obama saw Arlen Specter open for Pavement in Seattle in '91. Obama has an Arlen Specter concert tee that he wears to Senate meetings and Coachella.
8: 30 PM -- To my "Republican... friends:" Obama doesn't want to DEFINE the relationship, give it a LABEL, but it means something to him. Until senior year and then who knows.
8: 31 PM -- Obligatory "too much to swallow" recognition. Everyone drink 100 shots. (Hat Tip to your Intern Juli's friend SAM, who is on his 99th shot.)
8: 32 PM -- Here's that promised Smugness! "Hey remember when you all thought I was going to lose. Well."
8: 33 PM -- Saucy joke about abortion from a pink-shirted gentleman. Look at you!
8: 34 PM -- Pro-choicers create straw fetuses when they talk about how abortion is about freedom. See? His position is consistent.
8: 35 PM -- Women need to wash their hands, thus eliminating unwanted pregnancy.
8: 36 PM -- Some guy gave Obama three adjectives, and Obama must free associate. This will reveal Psychological Mysteries Within, verily. Let's take this first one. "Surprise." Obama: "Worst Economic Crisis Since the Great Depression." All other Presidents had three or four (3 or 4) problems, while he, Obama, has at LEAST seven (7).
8: 39 PM -- "Troubled." Obama: "Sober." Fuckin-A, man.
8: 40 PM -- "Enchanted." Everyone is laughing because of how gay that is.
8: 40 PM -- Okay, SURPRISE. Your editor KEN will ENCHANT you now. Cya!