Fox News SHOCKER: Hillary Clinton Beat Bill Like An Egg-Stealing Hound

History's Greatest Monster, 2016 Edition

Fox News, America's most reliable and trusted cable news outlet, has been muddling around for years now, trying to find some dirt on Hillary Clinton that will really stick.

Benghazi, excuse us, BENGHAZHI!!1! , has turned out to be a bust. The quasi-legit complaints about her dumb private email server haven't been a knockout blow. And calling her a Wall Street sellout corporate shill oligarch makes Fox viewers (and owners) feel uncomfortable in their freedom panties.

But fear not! The never-quit, can-do propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee (ALLEGEDLY) has latched on to a story that meets all their criteria for a boffo Clinton Scandal™ -- a salacious, semen-stained tale of rage monster Shrillary chasing her husband around the White House with blunt objects like Bennie Hill after a tart.

Fox has been lavishing attention on a new tell-all book by former U.S. Secret Service Agent Gary Byrne, who claims he walked in on Bill Clinton cheating on Monica Lewinsky (harharhar) with super beautiful journalist Eleanor Mondale. Other top deets in "Crisis in Character" include Bill sporting a mouse under one eye after a Hillary whuppin', and how agents disposed of Bill's lipstick-stained spooge towels from the Lewinsky tryst.

Sean Hannity spent his entire show Monday night chatting with Byrne about the ways in which the former First Hellbeast sucks, from her violent temper tantrums to her nonstop lying.

It turns out Byrne is A Expert on lies! His book has been denounced as a complete pack of them by his fellow former Secret Service agents, who point out that Byrne was a uniformed agent, the lowest rung on the presidential security detail. Byrne might have seen Clinton pass in the hallway, they point out, but he could never have walked in on the president whether he was making out with hot daughters of former vice presidents or not. Nor would Byrne have had access to witness Bill and Hillary throwdowns.

That thorough debunking has led to Byrne being "blacklisted" by news organizations that have weird fetishes against publicizing fantasy. Unfair! How will he everpeddle his bullshit bookunveil Clinton's dual nature?

The brave journamalists at Fox & Friends are not letting quibbles like "factual accuracy" get in the way of a good sex and violence romp, though. Steve Doocy noted this morning that we have heard many times (on Fox News) about Hillary throwing vases at the president, and what more proof do you need?

Byrne will be the guest on Fox & Friends tomorrow, so set those DVRs! This is it, the one that brings down the Queen of Mean! No, really, we're totally sure this time.

 LOL. 

[ Salon ]