George Will Promises Not To Masturbate To State of the Union

George Will likes politics, but he does not like politics when everyone is not wearing a top hat and legislators arrive to the Capitol by auto-mobile instead of Negro-drawn carriage. "Between Jefferson and Woodrow Wilson, no one delivered this in person. They sent their report to Congress in writing. But now we've turned this into this panorama in which—in an interminable speech, every president, regardless of party, tries to stroke every erogenous zone in electorate." George Will does not like to be touched as such. He has already subjected himself to these types of relations in order to have children, and he will never waste his time in such a manner ever a-gain.

And it becomes a political pep rally, to use the phrase of Chief Justice Roberts last year. If it's going to be a pep rally, with the president's supporters or whatever party standing up and braying approval, and histrionic pouting on the part of the other, then it's no place for the judiciary, it's no place for the uniformed military, and it's no place for non-adolescent legislators.

If those legislators who aren't children would like to join George Will, he will be laying on the sidewalk outside looking at old baseball cards, like an adult. [ ABC News ]