Georgetown U. Finds Piece Of Rope, Assumes Lynching Racist Is On Loose

Georgetown University employees found a piece of rope in the utility tunnels under campus this week, and everyone knows what you think when you see a piece of rope: Somebody must have been using it as a noose to string up people, racistly! At least that was the verdict reached by the administration of Georgetown, a supposed local "smart people" school. But somehow it turns out the rope wasn't used as a noose, but rather for drunk students to climb down into these grimy old tunnels, a campus tradition for dumb secret societies and such. How will Georgetown ever recover from such an offensive activity?

The noose thing, of course, has become a popular local teevee news item, because LOOK! RACISM! OVER THERE! And there was even some OFFENSIVE GRAFFITI in these old tunnels students have been using for years.

This morning, a University official told local television news outlets that the rope has been identified as a piece of climbing equipment, not a noose. The official also confirmed that the graffiti was not a recent act.

But these "important new details" did not come out before idiot University administrator Todd Olson could send out an overblown e-mail about the whole matter, just to make everyone on campus know for sure that everyone on campus is a total racist.

The possibility of this kind of symbol on our campus is deeply troubling and extremely serious. We must underscore that acts of vandalism, hate and intolerance have no place in our campus community. As a Catholic and Jesuit university, we are committed to fostering a community that is welcoming to people of all races, religions, and ethnicities and that values understanding, inclusion and respect.

Yes, when have you ever even seen a piece of rope or read racist graffiti on, say, a bathroom stall? No you haven't, as these things are DEEPLY TROUBLING.

But, fortunately, religion will be here to comfort you after hearing some piece of rope was found somewhere.

Knowing that many people will find this news of great concern, representatives from Student Affairs, DPS and Campus Ministry will be available at a meeting for the campus community this evening at 9 p.m. in the Village C Alumni Lounge. Please know that you may also contact CAPS at (202) 687-HELP or a chaplain at (202) 668-3195 at any time. Chaplains in residence and residence life staff are available to meet with students as well.

You will remember this school as the place where students take out ads seeking personal assistants and law school students take their professor's class exercises for real events. Those things, and putting roofies in girls' drinks at Rhino's, are also important parts of the Jesuit identity.

Your afternoon editor's alma mater is really starting to make GW look respectable. [ Vox Populi ]