Glenn Greenwald Wants To Be Kinder, Gentler Russian Stooge White Nationalist Fucking Moron

The New Yorker should have had Evan write this profile.

Oh happy day, there is a new longform profile of Glenn Greenwald for us to look at, in  The New Yorker  ! But ain't nobody got time for that, so Wonkette will do the public service of summarizing it for you with quippy one liners, like we did last time. Isn't Wonkette the best, unlike Glenn Greenwald, who is a dick and a witting/unwitting Russian intelligence asset and kind of a white nationalist?

Because that is the common thread of this article. Let us please call him what he is, which is a white nationalist, as a Twitter person did in this excellent thread. 

He's also a motherfucker, whose website The Intercept completely fucked that NSA contractor Reality Winner, who leaked to it a document showing serious Russian attempts to hack into US voting systems mere days before the 2016 election. (Greenwald hated that story, according to The New Yorker. ) The Intercept ended up exposing its source and now Winner has been sentenced to five years in prison, for leaking a thing that went against Glenn Greenwald's narrative that Russia is a goddamn angel and America is bad.

Funny, that. For the record, Greenwald acknowledges that The Intercept "fucked up" that one.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's summarize this shit!

Glenn Greenwald has a new tennis-playing friend from Tennessee named Tennys Sandgren. They made friends because Tennys the Tennis-ist from Tennessee always tweets white supremacist and anti-Muslim and #PizzaGate stuff. Tennys got in a real pickle for all that! Glenn Greenwald, we guess, was like, "Oh, Tennys is very sexxxy! Tennys reminds me of my new friend Tucker Carlson, maybe we should all be best friends and do sleepovers, but not #Pizza sleepovers, because we're not PERVERTS."

Tennys and Glennys are BFFs now, and it is very "intense," says Glennys. They talk every day!

Glennys used to talk to Edward Snowden every day, but now he doesn't. DAMN YOU, TENNYS.

Did Glennys make friends with Tennys because Glennys is a white nationalist? Unclear solid maybe! Glennys says Tennys is not racist, though, just misunderstood.

Glennys is still banned from MSNBC because of yucky Rachel Maddow, but it's OK because he has Tucker Carlson now. And Tennys.

Glennys is trying to chill the fuck out these days and his husband David Miranda is always like, "Dammit, Glennys! Say hello to your children and your 24 dogs for the first time in a week instead of telling people to go fuck themselves on Twitter!" Glennys and David rescue stray dogs in Brazil, where they live.

Glennys and David honestly seem pretty happy. HOPE TENNYS DOESN'T FUCK IT ALL UP.

Glennys tells his dogs to shut the fuck up sometimes. Oh no, we have something in common with Glenn Greenwald! (We are also both real gay.)

Glennys can hear gunshots from his gated community in Brazil.

One time David took away Glennys's Obamaphone, because he wouldn't stop tweeting. (Melania, meet David.)

Glennys recently deleted 27,000 of his tweets, because he thought they could be "distorted." By whom? The feds, we are just wildly guessing.

Glennys, whom we are tired of calling Glennys, has lost a lot of his cool Twitter followers, the sane ones who used to consider him a good journalist, but that's OK because he has rad new followers like Sebastian Gorka and Donald Trump Jr. and Susan Sarandon. Don't you wish you could go to that dinner party? Nah?

Glenn Greenwald is clearly happy with his new white nationalist followers, maybe because he is one. (Refer again to awesome thread. )

Glenn Greenwald is pretty sure it's unfair to call Russian assets like WikiLeaks "Russian assets." He's not as close to Julian Assange as he used to be though. TENNYS STRIKES AGAIN?

Glenn Greenwald thinks John Brennan should be "shunned," just like Donald Trump does! 

Glenn Greenwald made the phrase "Deep State" go VIRAL for the first time, and now Donald Trump screams it on Twitter. Thanks, Glenn Greenwald!

Even some of Glenn Greenwald's colleagues at The Intercept, including his editor-in-chief Betsy Reed, think his Russia denialism is LI'L BIT BATSHIT at this point. They even think it's kinda gross that he's on Fox News figuratively tongue-kissing Tucker Carlson all the time.

Glenn Greenwald doesn't know "why it's O.K. to ally with Bill Kristol but not Tucker Carlson," maaaaaaaaybe because he is a ...

Glenn Greenwald thinks the Deep State is going after Paul Manafort just because he's a Trump person, just like sometimes racist cops only go after black people. Got it? Paul Manafort = OPPRESSED.

Glenn Greenwald does not like America very much, but then again, he never has.

Glenn Greenwald continues to believe Democrats and other patriots are just INSANE to think Russia did anything bad in the 2016 election, and at this point we're pretty sure Trump would literally have to give Putin America's nuclear codes in the middle of Fifth Avenue for him to change his mind. Or maybe that would also be OK with Glenn Greenwald. After all, whatever Russia did, America is WAY MORE BADDER.

Glenn Greenwald thinks even if Vladimir Putin directed the anti-US hacking operation ( he did, but Greenwald is still skeptical), and "worked with WikiLeaks and Michael Cohen and Jared Kushner to distribute the e-mails" (wow, Glenn, kind of specifically naming names!), that is all just "standard shit," because we guess Glenn Greenwald is pretty cool with treason.

Even after Robert Mueller indicted all those Russian military intelligence hackers who were fronting as "Guccifer 2.0," Glenn Greenwald was still skeptical because it's not like prosecutors have to have evidence to indict people. Also, he thinks Robert Mueller is very stinky and bad.

But then Glenn Greenwald "talked to a bunch of people" and decided maybe the Russians did that hack after all! Is our Glenn Greenwald learning? Pffffffft .

Hey, remember that time Glenn Greenwald wrote an article on October 9, 2016, based on stolen emails from the Clinton camapign delivered unto him directly by Guccifer 2.0, which we now know is a bunch of swarthy Russian intelligence officers? This profile reminds us of that!

NO COLUSION, NO COLUSION, GLENN GREENWALD IS THE COLUSION.

Glenn Greenwald isn't sure Russia poisoned those Russian nationals in the UK, because does Russia even do bad stuff ever?

Glenn Greenwald overcooked the pasta during the interview and David was like "Ugh, Glenn Greenwald."

Glenn Greenwald didn't vote in 2000 or 2016, which by our calculations were two of the most consequential US American elections in modern history.

Glenn Greenwald should probably STFU.

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[ The New Yorker ]