God. He's A Real Motherf*cker.
Passover: a festivus for the rest of us!
I am not very good at Jewish. My brothers were bar mitzvahed but by the time they got to me, my mom had stopped taking us to Hebrew school, and it's not like my dad was going to do it. I was mostly Catholic anyway. When Liz told me last night was the first day of Passover, and I asked, oh, it lasts more than one day? I could feel her horror through the chat cave just typing the terse word "yes."
Dad's not religious, but he is cultural. I thought, being stuck in the house three weeks and change now, not even getting to walk the dogs at the animal shelter, he would like a seder. He did! It was a nice seder! I read the prayers from my laptop because fuck no I don't know them except for the wine.
There is no gefilte fish at the Safeway in Polson, Montana. (My nice husband heard one other couple remarking on the lack of gefilte fish, which means, and I am surprised, there is at least one other Jewish family here.) My nice husband brought me home lox instead.
And we lit the candles and said the prayer over the wine, and Donna Rose asked most of the Four Questions before she got bored and refused to continue and then we listed the plagues and I expounded a bit on the Angel of Death and the firstborn children because I thought the Haggadah we were using was burying the lede a little bit and she got scared and started to cry.
Damn , we all said as we read the plagues and God drowning the Egyptian soldiers in the sea. God is a real motherfucker!
We pondered whether Moses (Aaron?) might just have noticed with all the locusts and frogs and hail that a lot of poor people were going to be coming in from the countryside with weakened from starving immune systems, and told his people to shelter in place. Could the angel of death that took the firstborn children maybe be pork-born, skipping the Jews? We knew for sure Moses (Aaron?) told the people to wash their hands a lot. It's right in the seder, you wash your hands like one million times.
Jews are (mostly) down with science, so Moses (Aaron?), proto-scientist? It tracked.
We talked about commemorating a plague we survived, in a time of plague, and piece of shit pharoah literally trying to kill us. You know they're ending federal support for the testing sites now, so he can claim our dead never happened. He really is amazing.
Then Donna got to find the matzo, the prize for which was getting to eat the matzo. Yay Passover! And in the tub after, she kept repeating to her mermaid barbies, "God is a real motherfucker. God is a real motherfucker." We didn't correct her. What was to correct?
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU. We love you.