GOP Shitting Pants That Ted Cruz Might Lose, Because He Sucks And Everyone Hates Him

BETOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Did y'all hear about the dumb shit Ted Cruz said this weekend, which we think was supposed to be an insult but just came off as the creepy words of a never-nude who eats the boogers on his lips and is going to lose in November?

"They want us to be just like California," Cruz said, "right down to tofu and silicon and dyed hair."

"They" is the Democrats and Beto O'Rourke. Now we imagine he didn't mean to say "silicon," but rather "silicone," because no ladies in Texas have ever gotten a boob job, obviously. Similarly hair dye has been illegal in Texas ever since Ted Cruz successfully banned dildos in Texas -- who among us can forget the Ted Cruz Gonna Wash That Dye Right Outta Your Hair And Pull That Dildo Outta Your Butt Act of 2004? (REAL TIME FACTCHECK: Ted Cruz did not successfully ban dildos or hair dye. He definitely wanted to ban dildos, though, because Ted Cruz is the kind of guy who wants to pry the dildos from your cold dead hands.)

As for the tofu thing, Cruz did note that his wife Heidi Cruz is a "California vegetarian," so maybe ... nope, we don't fucking care about this enough to attempt to analyze it for one more sentence, because this post has a point, we promise.

As we've noted every time we've written about fine-ass Beto O'Rourke lately, the GOP is shitting its pants as it realizes that for real, Ted Cruz might lose, because everybody hates Ted Cruz. They're running even in the polls, but with all evidence pointing to a blue wave in November, "running even" just might mean Texas is going to get a tall glass of Beto for Christmas. The state, from what we hear, is plastered with Beto signs, and MSNBC has been running a supercut of idiots in Texas calling into conservative talk radio all confused because the so-called "polls" haven't been so-called "polling" them or any of their Bible study friends so "Who are they polling? The illegal immigrants???????"

Basically, all the cool kids are voting for Beto, and everybody in Texas who's worth shit wants to be a cool kid.

Politico reports on the GOP's freakout, as outside conservative groups start pissing away money in the state to re-elect a Canadian-born can of expired fish to the Senate:

"We're not bluffing, this is real, and it is a serious threat," Cornyn, the No. 2 Senate Republican, said in an interview. "If Ted does his job and we do ours, I think we'll be fine. But if we have donors sitting on the sidelines thinking that, 'Well, this isn't all that serious,' or 'I don't need to be concerned,' then that's a problem."

Shhhhhh, Cornyn, we're sure it's fine, and Texans are just real excited to vote to re-elect a guy who says his favorite music is country music because of 9/11.

As Politico notes, this is super fun because it means the GOP and its associated super PACs are wasting money on gross Ted Cruz, when they could be spending that money to try to win races elsewhere. We guess that's just what happens when your golden boy is Ted Fucking Cruz, whom everybody hates.

Of course, y'all have probably heard that Donald Trump, who once accused Cruz's dad of helping to murder JFK and who has said really unkind things in the past about how Heidi Cruz is not as hot as Melania, is even coming to Texas next month to talk about himself while occasionally reminding people to vote for the yucky guy who jizzes into empty soup cans on his campaign bus every night, ALLEGEDLY, according to the rumor we just made up. (At least he's not jizzing all over his pillows while he humps them anymore, ALLEGEDLY, which is not a rumor we just made up. His college roommate said that.)

So that's sad!

And then there's this very mean thing White House budget director Mick Mulvaney got caught on tape saying to donors this weekend:

"There's a very real possibility we will win a race for Senate in Florida and lose a race in Texas for Senate, O.K.?" Mr. Mulvaney said. "I don't think it's likely, but it's a possibility. How likable is a candidate? That still counts."

Exactly. And Mick Mulvaney is saying that current Florida Governor Rick Scott, who is running for the Senate and who looks like what would happen if Batboy managed to fuck Batboy and give birth to a Batboy baby, is still more likable than Ted Cruz, whose face makes small children recoil and angels cry.

Let's get out there and do the hard work of making sure Batboy and Cruz both lose, so we never have to look at their terrible faces ever fucking again.

BLUE WAVE, Y'ALL! GRAB IT!

Also, OPEN THREAD, Y'ALL! GRAB IT!

[ Politico / New York Times ]

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