Fox News Afternoon Bros Wilding Out Over Midterms, Thoughts And Prayers To All Them

Hearts in need of blessing.

Fox News's "The Five" had a weird one yesterday, as the hosts grappled with how they are all big losers and none of the normal and good people in the country share their values or thoughts or prayers or feelings or bedwetting fears or conspiracy theories or sexism or racism or general garbage-ness. The beta boys who sit at Jeanine Pirro's lunch table were in fine form.

 Watch Greg Gutfeld, who gets to be the "king of late night" because septuagenarian white racists pass out in their box wine during Laura Ingraham and leave the TV on, as he slouches like a frumpy teenager in his chair — he is pushing 60 — and bitches and moans that normal Americans aren't anti-abortion white extremists.

Remember how literally everybody in America voted to love abortion yesterday, even people who voted for anal fissures like Rand Paul the same day? Yeah, Greg mad.

JESSICA TARLOV (CO-HOST): Abortion is so much a part of health care, of family planning. There's so many people who are forced to have an abortion from wanted pregnancies. And those are the conversations that are going on all over this country.

GREG GUTFELD (CO-HOST): Are you campaigning for Planned Parenthood, or what?

As if that's not a completely mainstream position, despite how it makes Greg Gutfeld's lower lip pouty and his weenus soft.

Anyway, that's when he made that face above.

GUTFELD: People who are pro-life actually do take the issues more seriously than you think, right? You want to talk about the quiet majority? Talk about the unborn. They don't have a word in this at all.

tAlK aBoUt ThE uNBoRn.

Eat shit.

He just babbled and shrieked and swore that situations like Tarlov brought up, like the 10-year-old rape victim from Ohio who had to go to Indiana just to get healthcare, are "very rare, very rare, very rare!" He shouted over her — again and again! — because Greg Gutfeld does not need any woman explaining himabout "abortion," like that sometimes you have to have one even when you don't want one, because the baby's messed up or it's gonna make you dead, NO, Greg Gutfeld DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW about THAT. In Greg Gutfeld's screams, the anti-choice people are the "nuanced" ones because they will let you have an abortion if you are actively dying (and not a minute before), and everybody else on the panel — hell,Jesse Watters wisely managed to keep his mouth shut — just hoped he'd be quiet and not stroke out.

So that was Greg Gutfeld's day. Reminder:  Greg Gutfeld recently said he wouldn't want to go to college these days (again he's almost 60) because the women there aren't hot enough for him.

As for other dudes who do Fox News's somehow worse version of "The View," Jesse Watters unshut his mouth long enough to trend on Twitter, under "fashion & beauty" because Elon's Twitter is a well-oiled machine.

And the reason Watters is trending is because he was also an ass, the entire afternoon.

On "The Five," he just seemed extremely confused that the Kids These Days don't even hate Joe Biden very much. People hate the Clintons. People hate Barack Obama. Some people even hate Donald Trump, if you can believe such a thing! People are brainwashed, and they are single women — BIG PROBLEM, AS YOU WILL SEE — and single women are brainwashed to think Republicans are vile, and to not even hate Joe Biden.

WATTERS: People just don't feel the same passion against the guy that they also feel for other people. And we have a problem, demographically. Single women are voting for Democrats by 30 points.

DANA PERINO: 37.

WATTERS: 37 points. And in urban America they're cleaning our clocks in the cities. Cleaning our clocks. I'm not saying anything nefarious is going on, but they are cleaning our clocks in the cities. And we're giving it away. And the fact that these youth voters are coming in so strong on an off-year is very concerning. It looks like they've been brainwashed. This new generation is totally brainwashed.

"The fact that these youth voters are coming in so strong on an off-year is very concerning." These midterms are supposed to be for old racist white misogynist trash, unfair! Cry more about the youth, please.

A couple hours later on his own show was when Watters really got mad at the single ladies.

JESSE WATTERS (HOST): Also, single women are breaking for Democrats by 30 points. And this makes sense when you think about how Democrat policies are designed to keep women single.

But once women get married, they vote Republican. Married women, married men go for Republicans by double digits. But single women and voters under 40 have been captured by Democrats. So, we need these ladies to get married. And it's time to fall in love and just settle down. Guys, go put a ring on it.

"We need these ladies to get married."

"Guys, go put a ring on it."

Reminder:  Jesse Watters admitted to being a predator when he confessed that he once let the air out of a woman's tires to trick her into letting him drive her home. But it's OK, though! He divorced his then-wife and now the person with the deflated tires — who is 14 years his junior — is his today-wife!

Love hearing that guy tell us what "we need these ladies" to do.

In summary and in conclusion, it's not Fox, but here's another table full of really cool white guys that includes Charlie Kirk and Jack Posobiec. "The Left literally wants to turn everyone into an unmarried woman. Literally. Literally," says Posobiec, who meant it literally.

“Jack Posobiec: "The Left literally wants to turn everyone into an unmarried woman. Literally. Literally"”

— Jason Campbell (@Jason Campbell) 1668044535 

Thoughts and prayers for all these guys, really truly, they are hearts in need of blessing.

[ Media Matters / Media Matters / Media Matters ]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here! 

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .