Groping Locales Sexier Than the Porno-Cancer Scanners

 
 Maybe you're not the type of person who enjoys the groping supplied by the porno-cancer scanners or its radiation-free alternative, the hot and heavy pat down. Maybe you reserve the look-y looks at your genitals for the nice people you meet at crowded, dark bars, as opposed to the TSA agents who come after you in the name of Freedom? But if you can’t get a good groping at the airport, what does this mean for our national pastime of sexytime in public places?

Being the great service journalists we are, here are some places in D.C. where, if groping occurs, no one will write a rant about it on The Internet (also known as “great make-out spots”):

• The monuments, at night (bonus if it’s lightly raining)

•  Hains Point 

•  Alexandria Waterfront 

• The balcony at the Uptown movie theater 

• Metro escalator (so long as all activities occur on the right hand side and in no way obstruct the ability of others to walk up/down the escalator on the left side)

•  Observation deck at the Newseum 

•  Saint-Ex,   Grand Central , any Bridge and Tunnel bar or bar in the Herpes Triangle where dance floor make outs are standard, as is leaving without your dignity

And, here are some activities that, unlike going through security at an airport, should (though no guarantees!) lead to groping (also known as "great date ideas"):

• Dinner at a romantic restaurant: try Bistro Lepic,   Tabard Inn,   Zentan, or 1789, especially now, when it's all dressed up for the holidays

• Sharing cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery:  In some circles, the purchasing of a cupcake from Crumbs Bakery for your significant other is a thing that will,guaranteed, result in groping

• Going for a bike ride on Beach Drive in Rock Creek Park 

• Taking a day trip to Old Town Alexandria 

• Ice skating at the Sculpture Garden Ice Skating Rink 

• Going to the theater: Check out "The Odd Couple" at Theater J, the new Second City show atWoolly Mammoth, or a free show at the Kennedy Center's Millennium Stage 

• Attending a couples cooking class at Culinaerie 

• Chasing Food Trucks around the city