Guvmint Thugs Will Steal Your Cell Phone After Stealing Your Baby

Now that armed government dragoons have taken away your child, really the only thing you have left to console you is to drive around the arterial road out by the Wal-Mart and the Hardees and just shout at your friends through your cell phone about how you're going to get those gummint fuckers. Except that pretty soon, in a blatant blow against freedom of speech, assembly, and probably a bunch of other freedoms, you won't even be able to do that, because token Republican cabinet guy Ray La Hood wants all in-car communication to be illegal, for the flimsy reason that thousands of Americans are dying, every day, due to cell phones.

In a shocking move, LaHood's proposed ban will affect not just people yelling meth-addled nonsense into their prepaid Cricket phones as they drive the pick-up truck down to the gun store, but also elitists who sync their iPhones up with their Prius's in-car Bluetooth functionality. When did the government start targeting the rich? Did we vote for Democrats or something?

U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood says he believes motorists are distracted by any use of mobile phones while driving, including hands-free calls, as his department begins research that may lead him to push for a ban.

...

LaHood, 64, said even hands-free phone conversations are a "cognitive distraction." Calling for a ban on hands-free communications is a possible outcome of research under way at the Transportation Department’s National Highway Traffic Safety Administration into all driver distractions, Olivia Alair, a department spokeswoman, said.

Big government regulators are also trying to nip exciting auto-innovations in the bud:

OnStar, with about 5.7 million subscribers, is testing an application that would let users make audio updates to their Facebook pages and have messages from the social-media site read to them while driving. The system already provides crash- notification services as well as directions and information such as vehicle diagnostics.

"I'm absolutely opposed to all of that," LaHood said, when asked about drivers using the Facebook and Twitter social networks. "That would be the biggest distraction of all. All of that is well beyond the idea that you're really trying to avoid distracted driving."

Look, bureaucrat, you're going about this all wrong! When people want to update their Facebooks while driving, the solution isn't to ban in-car Facebook apps. The solution is to ban humanity, because it is obviously fundamentally broken.

Anyway, this probably is all part of the Left's longstanding plot to force real Americans to take the bus. (Fox News knows that this has been in the works since the days of " Lynden Johnson .") Go ahead and update your Twitter all you want on the subway, sheeple! [ Bloomberg ]