Hackers Hack Kash Patel's Gmail, Now Have His Love Letters, HIMS Purchasing Receipts

Also the least racy pictures ever shot. BORING.

One would think it would be common sense: If you take a job as the head of the nation’s largest law enforcement agency, and you are privy to all sorts of high-level national security secrets, AND you are by dint of your own narcissism and desperate thirst for attention a well-recognized public figure, then you should lock down your personal email account. Maybe delete any old ones you have lying around that you haven’t used in five years.

We really can’t stress this enough.

Sadly, FBI Director Kash Patel is an incompetent boob whose gmail password was probably something really easy to guess, like K$H, or K$Hster, or hockeyrulez, or K$Hster69, or a racial slur, or his Social Security number.

Whatever it was, an Iranian hacker group managed to gain access to Patel’s gmail account and steal a whole bunch of stuff, which it then posted online. The bulk of the content is reportedly from 2010 to 2019 when Kash was a federal public defender in Miami before moving to Washington to work as a prosecutor in the national security division of the Justice Department. Where he apparently learned nothing about email security.

At some point in there, he left DOJ to work for Devin Nunes, and the rest is history. Horrible, horrible history.

It’s all pretty anodyne stuff: emails about moving and pictures of Kash on a trip to Cuba. Here’s Kash with a statue of Ernest Hemingway! Here’s Kash with an old car! Here’s Kash sniffing a cigar with a look on his face like he just touched a boob for the first time!

What a ridiculous dork:

Interestingly, The New York Times reported that analysts believe the hackers may be Russians posing as Iranians, based on the server hosting their site was located in Russia. Not that that really gets Kash off the hook in any way.

Oh hello, what’s this?

Patel appears to have forwarded some emails from his Justice Department email account to his Gmail account in 2014.

Such a huge no-no for any federal employee. And Kash was working in the national security division! If any of those emails had classified info in them, he might still be in prison.

What if there had been potential blackmail buried in his old gmail account? Emails about doing something that could end his career. Evidence that he’s a Qatari mole. Pictures of him lying seductively on a four-poster bed wearing either a dress or a wetsuit.

We joke, but it really would have some disastrous consequences if an enemy you are currently in a shooting war with got a peek at any classified info you might have accidentally forwarded to your gmail account instead of that recipe for quiche you got from Barb down in Fingerprints. It’s why the federal government comes down hard on people for this sort of mishandling.

We presume this means we get to chant “Lock him up” at every Democratic rally from now until either Trump or Kash is out of office, depending on whether Trump’s heart can outlast his inevitable boredom with the FBI director.

And this happened the same week we found out that the special counsel investigation into why Trump took all those presidential records so he could store them in his shitter investigated Patel much more thoroughly than anyone knew about:

A special counsel investigation that began in 2022 of Kash Patel [...] included demands for more than two years of phone records, text messages and financial ‌information, according to two grand jury subpoenas and nondisclosure orders viewed by Reuters.

The first subpoena requested records beginning on January 1, 2021. Hm, did anything happen that week that Patel might be suspected of having foreknowledge about?

The FBI of that era would have had no comment. The FBI of this era, being rife with some of the most conspiratorial wingnuts this country has perhaps ever produced, pointed to the revelation as yet more evidence that Joe Biden had “weaponized” the DOJ against its opponents in ways the American people could not imagine.

Sure thing. If you buy that, we’ve got a pair of K$H-branded FBI sneakers to sell you.

[NYT / Reuters]

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