Happy 60th, Barack Obama! Sorry Smelly Unvaccinated Republicans Ruined Your Birthday Party.
TURN THE PLANE BACK AROUND, OPRAH.
Happy 6-0 to Barack Obama, the 44th president of the United States who memorably murdered Osama bin Laden with one hand while he gave Donald Trump a swirlie with the other. According to the screengrab above that we stole from his Instagram, Wonkette can exclusively report that he's still pretty damn sexy at 60.
Obama was supposed to have a big birthday party at his swanky Martha's Vineyard house on Saturday night, but now he's had to pare it way back because nasty stinky gross unvaccinated people won't get their shots. The Delta variant of COVID-19 is ravaging the nation, rendering his big party unsafe, even with the reportedly very strict Covid protocols they had in place.
Everybody was going. (You weren't going.) Oprah was going. (You were going if you happen to be Oprah reading this, we guess. Hello, Oprah!) Steven Spielberg was going. George Clooney was going. According to the New York Post, the guest list was about 475, plus people hired to work the party.
Joe Biden was not going. He's going to his beach place in Delaware this weekend.
Anyway, when Obama planned his birthday party, life was different. Covid numbers were way down, and people were getting vaccinated, and the Delta variant wasn't this big thing. Now, because of pressure coming from all directions, including the Delta variant direction, they had to pull it way back to just family and close friends. Whose fault is that? That's right, again, it's stinky smellers named "MAGA Dave" and "QAnon Qarly" who won't get their shots.
Fucking QAnon Qarly ruins everything.
As longtime Obama pal David Axelrod explained to the New York Times , they were asking people on the guest list if they'd had their shots, and asking people to get Covid tests just before the party. They were even going to have a Covid safety coordinator on hand. It was going to be an outside party. Martha's Vineyard isn't currently a big hotspot, and Tommy Vietor, one of the Pod Save guys who used to work with Obama, noted on Twitter that Axios and Politico Playbook needed to BUY A MAP, after Playbook linked the Axios article about it and quipped that it was "NOT FAR FROM P-TOWN," where that big superspreader event happened on the 4th. Truly, the two are nowhere near each other. (Worth noting that most of the people involved in that were vaccinated, and only a "handful" had to be hospitalized. The vaccines are working, even against the Delta variant.)
But indeed, things have changed. And we guess the optics are just bad now. Therefore, because of mostly white Republican yucky people who won't get their shots, Obama had to cancel his big shebang.
The Times quotes famous naked batshit Martha's Vineyard resident Alan Dershowitz, who said very tsk-tsk things about it. We don't know if his balls were visible when he gave this quote, but he's into being naked, so maybe:
"Everyone is talking about it and no one is talking about it positively," Mr. Dershowitz said in an interview on Tuesday. "Some people are making excuses for it. No one is saying it's a good idea."
Know what's a real bad idea, Alan? You being naked. Anyway, we're going to take what Dershowitz says "everyone" is talking about with a grain of salt, because as we all know, nobody invites Alan to Martha's Vineyard parties and Alan is very pissy about that. Bet he says that about all the parties he's not invited to.
The New York Post breathlessly reported this week that Obama was "DRAWING JEERS" for his planned party, quoting such jeering jeerers as lying garbage asshole New York GOP Rep. Elise Stefanik, who took a break from blaming the Trump-incited right-wing terrorism of January 6 on Nancy Pelosi to garble something about "unscientific mask mandates," before saying in the next breath that "If you or I did that it would be called a super-spreader event by the Democrats." She added, "Typical liberal 'do as I say, not as I do'. This is what socialism looks like." In case you're keeping track, in Elise Stefanik's leaking skull cavity, "socialism" is big swanky Martha's Vineyard parties, but it is not Medicare. God, what a worthless piece of shit.
GOP Rep. Nicole Malliotakis of New York told the Post some garble about "arbitrary government mandates," and added that "if this was President Trump the left would be screaming." Of course, one difference here is that Obama is a strong public health advocate who wants everybody to get vaccinated, whereas Donald Trump can't even bear to tell his idiot followers to get the shots he tries to take credit for creating.
And then there was anti-American seditionist congressman Andy Biggs, who ... golly, it's like they're all reading from the same playbook:
Just imagine if this party was for Trump. https: //t.co/gg4wrGI4Ua
— Rep Andy Biggs (@Rep Andy Biggs) 1627937102.0
And what has Andy Biggs been doing to prevent situations such as these, where Barack Obama is having to cancel his big birthday party because of the unvaccinated unwashed? Oh, just scare-mongering about President Biden's offer to have people go door-to-door to help get people vaccinated and introducing bills against mask mandates, bills that undermine COVID vaccine efforts, and also something called the No Vaccine Passports Act. Is Biggs himself vaccinated? As far as we can tell, he still won't say.
As you can see in the tweet above, earlier this week, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki was defending Obama's choice to have his goddamned birthday party, but we guess in the last 48 hours, it's just become untenable.
Happy birthday anyway, President Obama! Maybe next year you can have a real party. Or maybe Republicans will figure out a way to bring back smallpox and polio.
Who knows these days!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter .
Wonkette is funded ALL BY LOVELY READERS. No corporate funny business here! Click below to donate.