Happy Birthday, Earth!

Oh is there somethingspecialabout today? Not that we could notice, but then here comes a spam from fat dope clown Al Gore and his latest ponzi scheme, "Repower America." It's theEarth Day! America's celebration of the planet it owns, huzzah! Have you done your part? No? So you are some kind of Earth-Hating motherfucker? Turn off the computer and click the MORE button for helpful "Earth Day" hints!

Do you want to have sex with attractive ladies and/or men? Well, then, you must get hep to the "ecology movement" because that, friends, is where you get the sweet tail.

Watch & learn. Environmentalists look like this:

.... While anti-environmentalists look like this:  

Now that you are convinced, here are some sexy Earth Day tips to help get you laid, maybe.

• Appliances and electronics can drain electricity even when they're turned off! Conserve energy by always unplugging everything, wherever you are: visiting a friend's house, at work where the servers are kept, at a hospital. No matter how loudly they yell, they'll really be saying "Thanks for helping me do my part, for Mother Earth."

• Drive your car only in reverse -- this actually ADDS gasoline back into the world oil supply.

• Ask for bags of free hair from the local barber shop or Supercuts or whatever. When it's time to replace the insulation in your home, there's nothing like free, natural hair to fill your walls.

• Be a bargain hunter! There are, for example, often groups of weird people out in public with signs about how the president is a nigger. They carry around perfectly good tea bags, for some reason. Ask them for some free tea, take home, and enjoy!

• Preserve our landfills! Every day, Americans send who knows how much garbage to our shrinking landfills and recycling centers. There is no need for this waste. When your trash can is full, just dump it in the far corner of your yard. Nature's miracle of "composting" will turn all this crap into a kind of dirt.

• On this "4/22 Day," don't be surprised if you find yourself smoking marijuana with a bunch of other stoners. It's just part of the scene.

• View less websites. Did you know each time you visit a website, it uses up a certain amount of energy? Worse yet, looking atdifferentwebsites uses a surprisingly higher amount of energy. By sticking to your "Special Seven" websites, you'll save untold amounts of energy which is what causes global warming.

• Don't have a cow, man! Cows are bad for the environment. Nobody knows exactly why, but if you just look at a cow, you can tell it's not exactly helping. And you know what they say about if you are not part of the solution then you are legally part of the problem, right? If you want to "throw some meat on the barbie," keep it simple and keep it local. There are hella stray dogs out right now, what with the foreclosures.

• And don't forget the kids! Children may or may not be lovable, but one thing we can all agree on is the way they waste our world's precious resources. If you've thought about having children, don't! And if you already have some, kill them.