Happy 'Tear The Tags Off Mattresses' Day!

Yay crime!

The absurdly cute Wookiee, courtesy of our pal Helen van Patterson Patton

Happy Weekend!

Today is Tear The Tags Off Mattresses Day, which would be a far more exciting venture if it were actually illegal to do that. It’s not! The warning, it turns out, is not for us, but for mattress manufacturers and sellers (the ones that aren’t obviously just fronts, anyway). They’re not supposed to remove the tag because it would be bad to sell people a mattress filled with things they are allergic to.

Though, honestly, not a terrible murder strategy for a Lifetime movie. Nosy, quirky best friends/sisters-in-law are always getting murdered or incapacitated via their allergies in Lifetime movies.

It is also “Brunch for Lunch Day” … so have brunch maybe an hour later, or not, depending on when you usually do brunch? I guess?

Since Ted Turner passed this week, your first present is Ted Turner-related — a clip from a documentary featuring his attempts to colorize Citizen Kane.

I think we can all be glad that never occurred.

Next up, we have this truly incredible case from the 1980s version of The People’s Court, featuring a dispute over a $3.00 slice of chicken pizza. It is probably my new favorite thing, to the point where I am considering doing my bangs like the pizza shop proprietor.

And, apropos of nothing, you may now learn how to do the Lurch dance. As in, Lurch from The Addams Family. Who had a dance single that was, I will grant, pretty catchy actually.

Have you been struck with a sudden urge to shower us with money and jewels? If so, we are on Substack now so you can just go ahead and click subscribe! Click click click!!

 Or if you’d just like to donate just once …

You can also join our Patreon, or buy our merch.

You can even send us paper checks to:

Wonkette
PO Box 38273
Detroit MI 48238

Talk amongst yourselves!