Hastert Now Blaming Whole Internet, Which Was Invented By a Democrat ...

Hastert press conference summary:  You'll pry the speaker's gavel from my cold, dead fat hands. No Louis Freeh, either. Somehow I've dumped this sack of shit on Pelosi. Fuck you, media! 

We're starting to suspect there's a custom Magic 8-Ball the Republicans are consulting, because the culprit for PageFuckerGate (aka Cocktober Surprise) is seriously changing every 15 minutes: Demon alcohol, gay staffers, Democrats, Brian Ross, gay Democrats, alcoholic Democrats, and the Democratic Culture of Pedophilia. Right before the presser, Denny consulted the 8-Ball and came up with a new culprit: Instant Messaging.

"Our system obviously isn't designed for this electronic age of instant messages," Hastert said. And in this case, he's correct. In the good old days, you could just have Fawn Hall stuff the evidence down her panties and burn it at home or whatever.

But now what do they do? Despite spending hundreds of billions of dollars to illegally spy on every American's phone calls, e-mails and porn downloading, there's no effective way to retrieve all the illegal and/or unseemly shit being IM'd by politicians right now . The system's broken, man!

 Hastert: I'm Sorry, I Didn't Get Freeh, I'm Staying, and I Blame the Dems [TPM Muckraker]

 Hastert Apologizes but Refuses to Resign [ABC News]