'HE CAN'T WIN!' Wonkagenda For Mon., May 7, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things wemaybe talking about today, but let's start this week off with penguins making a dramatic entrance!

Rudy Giuliani started this weekend off by implying Trump knew about hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. He then spent the weekend going full Nunberg, appearing on as many TV news shows as possible. Yesterday Rudy bitched out George Stephanopoulos like a fat cat on a diet, and said Trump wouldn't have to comply with a subpoena if he got served.

A federal judge has given the greenlight to start court proceedings in Robert Mueller's troll farm case after two evil lawyers suddenly popped up and started lawyering for Mueller's evidence.

 Trump has begun calling his four minions in the House "warriors" due to their non-stop attempts to screw up probes of Russian fuckery; now senior Democrats are calling out the inexperienced idiots' attempts to "sabotage" the multiple investigations.

Before he met Donald Trump, Michael Cohen was a two-bit ambulance chaser who ran a shady cab company, but then he set up a specialty shop in Trump Tower for hijinks, scams and shenanigans.

 Kellyanne Conway went on TV to lie about stuff and spew her usual brand of bullshit. 

Fearing a political backlash that could drag a lot dirty skeletons from the closet, Gina Haspel wanted to bail out of consideration to head the CIA, but Trump's team begged her not to embarrass them. This morning Trump tweeted that the allegations of torture surrounding her make her "tough."

Jeff Sessions has ordered the Justice Department to slap low-level gun offenders with bigass law books, a legal strategy pushed by the NRA to avoid gun regulation.

Get ready to get back on the treadmill as the Trump administration appears poised to keep the Obamacare calorie count rules. 

 Trump has finally named his fitness advisory, and it includes fake TV doctor "Dr. Oz" and the Slim Fast guy. What did you expect for a man who believes human beings are like batteries?

The House Veterans' Affairs Committee is set to vote on a plan to give Navy veterans exposed to Agent Orange benefits. It's about fucking time!

Republicans on the House Armed Services Committee are earmarking a check for Trump's military parade in the annual defense spending bill. Pentagon officials are reportedly mulling how to shoehorn the event into the "annual DC Veterans Day Parade."

The Naval Special Warfare Command is reporting that 10 Navy SEALS tested positive for cocaine and meth. 

Ex-con and West Virginia Republican Senate candidate Don Blankenship is having a last minute surge in the polls, and the GOP is super worried voters are about to nominate another blatantly racist murder. This morning, Trump tweeted "Don Blankenship...can't win the General Election in your state...No Way! Remember Alabama."  LOLOLOL, OMG, you guys, I'm dying!

The California Republican Party is mad at neo-Nazi Senate candidate Patrick Little. While dragging and kicking an Israeli flag, Little was booted from Saturday's GOP convention, and now they're denouncing and condemning him. He's currently polling at 18 percent, right behind Dianne Feinstein. [h/t C&L ]

 House Republicans in normally reliable districts are scared of drowning in a blue wave, and the only plan GOP leaders can come up with is to hold fast.

Here's a list of the GOP's stars who may be headlining campaign events near you. SPOILER ALERT: It's a pretty short list.

 A Florida man died when his vape pen exploded in his face, according to rescue crews.

 A Colorado university is changing its policies after some ignorant and racist mom accused two Native American college prospects of being part of Eric Holder's secret Mexican smuggling machine.

Some Trump aides hired the same Israeli spy company used by Harvey Weinstein to dig up dirt on the Obama officials who negotiated the Iranian nuclear deal (JCPOA) with the hope of giving Trump an excuse to pull out of the multinational peace agreement.

In an effort to get Trump's attention, current and former world leaders are speaking out in favor of the JCPOA, including British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak. Meanwhile, both Israel and Iran are rattling sabers and ramping up rhetoric.

 North Korea is calling Trump's victory dance premature, adding that the only two concessions they've agreed to are "jack" and "shit."

The US Navy is tightening up command in an attempt to combat Russian and Chinese aggression and expansion by re-establishing the 2nd Fleet. 

Anti-Putin activists marched in rare public protests across Russia yesterday. As Putin starts his fourth six-year term, hard-liners are quietly considering a post-Putin Russia. 

Britt McHenry, a bleach blonde Fox News talking head, claims she was laid off by ESPN last year because she was "white" and "made too much," but is declining to talk about it on the record.

 A human cockfighter from Russia has some curious ties to Trump & Co., so the FBI tracked him down and let him know they've been keeping an eye on him.

Evil corporate vultures continued their gutting of of local newsrooms as The Denver Post reports several top editors have resigned amid layoffs. 

The beleaguered Tronc has caved and will recognize a growing union of journalists in the Chicago area that now includes the Chicago Tribune. Solidarity forever!

As Melon Trump is expected to announce her platform later today, there's a new WaPo story on Melania's personal life that is honestly kind of sad. It really is a great PR strategy, plus she gets out ahead of any future divorce proceedings. Win-Win!

A couple of big data dorks are sounding alarms about how easy it was to get access to Facebook user data . Over the weekend, the UK ordered Cambridge Analytica to release US user data within 30 days, a rare cross-border decision.

After the WSJ reported on Facebook's privacy double standard (AKA "Sauron alerts"), legal and ethics dorks started wondering if Congress will call out an apparent lie told under oath by Facebook’s lead attorney Colin Stretch. [ Archive ]

Last night John Oliver 'splainered that Rudy Giuliani has always been a racist and batshit crazy person (who "accidentally" married his second cousin).

ICYMI: Here's this weeks SNL cold open featuring a paranoid Ben Stiller as Michael Cohen, and the real Stormy Daniels.

And here's your morning Nice Time! It's a baby goat PJ party!

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