He Is Not In Charge Of You. Tabs, Fri., March 28, 2025

Morning news roundup and things to read!

Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

Bad ones again today, everybody. Get your emotional support human handy.

Reportedly, an anti-Ukraine-invasion Russian scientist who worked at Harvard Medical School was detained in February on her way back to the US from France for having frog samples (it’s explained in the story), and is in ICE prison in Louisiana. She may be deported back to Russia. (The Insider)

Kristi Noem’s horrendous display in front of the caged immigrants we’ve sold to a Salvadoran supermax: Hugo Boss couldn’t have designed her Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS aesthetic any better. (Slow Civil War)

Since we’ve already helped Putin keep the Ukrainian children he kidnapped, obviously we deserve to go kidnap all Ukraine’s resources, obviously. (Financial Times)

Oh fun, all the Wonkette newsletters are in my spam folder now. Check yours too please, and report us “not spam” if you’re not a HUGE JERK. Meanwhile, if you want to unsubscribe from our too many newsletters, don’t mark us spam. Just hit the “unsubscribe” link that’s at the bottom of every single email we send you. Okay thanks :)

Want to know more about April’s elections? Apparently, there are 20! (Bolts) But there won’t be one for Elise Stefanik’s seat, because Trump pulled her nomination for UN ambassador. Betting the internal GOP polling on those House seats looks real real REAL bad :) (NBC News) And I was right. (GZeroMedia)

RFK Jr. wellness farms just need a slogan, maybe Arbeit Macht Gesund? (New York mag)

Andrew Tate ALLEGEDLY beat the shit out of “one of his girlfriends” after being freed from Romanian house arrest by Donald Trump. (New York Daily News) And trigger warning, here’s his horrific texts demanding the right to beat the shit out of his girlfriend because he “loves” her. This is the guy your middle-school-aged son thinks is total manliness. (TMZ)

I am actually not a Luigi fan, and I don’t think we should murder anybody. But apparently the prosecution is mad he’s dressing too fly and sexy, and that’s really something! (CNN)

Like this, “rising support for political violence” on the hippie love side. Nope, not doing it. (Scientific American)

I assume South Africa will refuse to admit L. Brent Bozell III as the American ambassador, since he’s pro-Apartheid and also we just kicked their ambassador out of the country. (Talking Points Memo)

Trump promises to re-Confederatize the national parks and monuments because it’s the liberals who “perpetuate a false revision of history or improperly minimize or disparage certain historical figures or events.” My god. (White House fact sheet)

Fuck the University of Michigan entirely. He is not in charge of you. (Michigan Daily)

Seems like the only people who aren’t complying are the state of Maine. They told Trump and his trans-athlete-ban to get fucking bent. (NBC News)

Your friend Sara Benincasa made you an agoraphobic’s guide to her bete noir, the grocery store! (Gift link New York Times)

Apparently Disney’s new Snow White remake has been bombing and it is all lovely young Rachel Zegler’s fault for being both less white than people want her to be, and also pro-Palestinian. I’m just plucking this article defending her from the internet to put in your tabs to say I saw it this weekend and I fuckin LOVED IT. Woke Disney shit has got my number. (Also, shoutout to the CGI Alfred E. Neumann playing Dopey, and Titus Andromedon was criminally underused as “wait which Dwarf was he?”) (Slash Film)

Medieval feminism: FUCKE YEAHE. (Getty)

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Today is the last notice you’ll get to buy pizza! (Pizza.) (But you can still buy it through March 30.) Detroit Public Schools is working on the assumption we’ll have budget cuts next year of between $30 and $80 million for just our district. You help me fund the girls’ Detroit public elementary school, and I help you eat delicious fucking pizza, mailed right to your door. Buy the fucking pizzas everybody. They’ll FedEx em right to your door. Pizzas. (Pizzas.) This motherfucking pizza ad will be up all month.

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