Hello! Help Me, Vladimir Putin, Celebrate My Totally Unexpected Election Victory!

It was close, but in the end, Vlad eked it out.

Greetings, dissolute fuck-nozzles of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and I am taking break from celebrating latest landslide election victory to make a speaking with you!

Yes, landslide! In glorious victory, Vladimir won 87 percent of vote. Eighty-seven percent! Donald Trump called me to congratulate, and he was, how you say, gobsmacked? He say to me, Sir — he always calls me Sir, is cute little joke I make him do — he say to me, sir, Vladimir, President Putin, sir, you are very lucky your elections are not crooked. Here in America, Marxist Democrats make sure I get less than 47 percent both times I run! If elections were real, I’d get 87.1 percent, easy! Probably more! This is what people are telling me. But it is all rigged for Crooked Joe.

I tell him, Roach Face — is nickname I give him, what’s he going to do, not destroy NATO? — you have to be tough. Find 1,000 people who did not vote for you and “disappear” them. Then arrest anyone who asks where they are. Pretty soon, there will not even be need to fudge numbers.

I also tell him, you must rehire Paul Manafort. Russia needs someone to launder money it sends to your campaign, and no one launders money like Paul. Also if you could slip him some polling data. Was very helpful in knowing what voting machines to hack in 2016.

Nice thing about election in Russia is no need to hack voting machines. Unless by hack you mean have soldier with loaded AK-12 standing right there to help you fill out ballot. He will help you two, three, four times, or however long it takes to put mark next to right name. (Vladimir Putin.)

In ancient Russian land once called Ukraine, we did not even need polling places. Instead we have armed men bring ballot boxes to you in your homes. For safety reasons, of course. What if voter is walking to polling place when BOOM! Ukrainian artillery shell lands right on head! That is one less vote for Vladimir!

No, no, we send soldiers, is much more convenient this way. I tell Roach Face he should try it, yes? Texas National Guard is busy, but perhaps 81st Airborne needs something to do. He said good idea! He thinks all my ideas are good ideas. He said “Mr. Putin, sir, American soldiers are the biggest, toughest soldiers around, except for how they have all been ruined by being woke. Perhaps they could follow Russian soldiers during next election, to see how it is done? Or perhaps you could send Russian soldiers here to work as armed personal vote helpers. Let’s see antifa use directed energy weapon to mind-control voters to vote for Crooked Joe when giant Russian killing machine is standing right there.”

Trump Has Be Best Idea For Campaign Helper, It Is Paul Manafort Again!

Yes, is much easier in Russia. So much less campaigning when everyone already knows they must vote for you! Vladimir has plenty of time during election season for other pursuits, like ordering death squads to infiltrate Europe and yelling at generals and macramé.

Still, it has been long and difficult campaign, what with all the security crackdowns and intimidating voters and killing of rivals. Russian campaigns very different from yours in America, in that they are not so much political campaigns as just normal dictator stuff, only more of it.

Did I say killing of rivals? I mean, how you say, killing with votes. Navalny died choking on ham bone like Mama Cass. You heard nothing!

Navalny Interrupts Putin PR Agent Tucker Carlson's Work By Dropping Dead

It is all worth it today, knowing glorious Russian people have chosen me so overwhelmingly and with mortal terror striking at their souls. And also that I would have won even if they hadn’t.

People say to me, Vladimir Vladimirovich, why 87 percent? What was wrong with winning with only 71 percent of vote like in 2004, or 76 percent as in 2018. Was that not enough to get message across to terrified subjects? Are you not gilding the lily? Is it necessary to crush opponents so mercilessly?

To which I say, da, opponents must be crushed mercilessly. Opponents must be crushed like hairy-legged Italian woman crushing grapes. Opponents must be stomped into nothing like elephant stomping on ant. Opponents must be clawed and eaten like Russian bear clawing and eating whatever Russian bears claw and eat. Jews, probably.

Wonkette, you are invited to Vladimir’s inauguration! Yes, you must come, it will not be as much fun if you diseased American cock goblins are not in attendance. There will be much vodka and cowering. Will be good time!

[POLITICO]