Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Do Not Understand Your American 'Laws'

Donald Trump even gets to run for president again? What?

 Privet and idi na khuy, weeping camel assholes of Wonkette! It is glorious day and I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am definitely here, in Moscow, in charge of government, and not hiding in some bunker that I ran to like sniveling tundra lynx during attempted coup. Which was not coup! Was special military operation by Wagner Group, only compasses worked funny and they went north instead of south. Yes! This is what happened! We are all having great laugh about it now. Ha ha.

You have probably read different in lying Western newspapers. Your media keeps saying that Yevgeny Prigozhin tried to overthrow government of Mother Russia. That he is very upset with Ministry of Defense, and with Russian military, and with his great friend Vladimir Vladimirovich.

This is lie told by corrupt fake news. Yevgeny is great friend of Mother Russia. He pays his kickbacks on time. He relieved our gulag overcrowding problem by getting prisoners to go die in phony nation of Ukraine. He lavishly caters Politburo orgies. Very civic-minded!

True, he shot down several Russian helicopters and killed Russian troops during hilarious compass mix-up. This, I must admit, gives Vladimir pause. Helicopters can be expensive. But Yevgeny promised to compensate state by not charging for his famous okroshka at next orgy. Everyone wins!

I did advise Yevgeny to stay away from all windows for the indefinite future, of course. That’s generally just good practice. Belarus has many windows, and Russians can be very clumsy.

Wonkette, you will tell frumpy harridan Peggy Noonan that Vladimir and Yevgeny are still great friends and Vladimir was not scared during coup attempt, because a) was not coup attempt, and b) military will always be loyal to Vladimir and not corpulent blini vendor. And also c) does she not have some paintings of dead American politicians to talk to instead?

So! All this happy talk about big happy Russian death-dealing family brings us to question Vladimir has, which is why does America continue to torment its greatest President, Donald Trump?

Actually I have other question first: Why does America not love “Magnum, P.I.” reboot? It has now been cancelled at two networks! Is big disappointment. Vladimir love two things, Hawaii and shooting people, and Magnum has both. I would order majestic Russian television network RT to make own version starring Ukraine war — er, special military operation hero turned private detective, but America will not allow our film crews into country. And setting it in, say, Vladivostok does not have same — how you say it — ring.

But! President Trump! Your country has made him into common criminal simply because he took secret documents and kept them in unsecure poolhouse in Florida. How is this crime? It was actually great gift for your powerful ally Russia, which has many countrymen in area who have enough money for Mar-a-Lago membership and lots of free time.

By the way, if I were American military, I would rethink surprise airborne paratrooper drop on Tehran. Mostly because now it is not surprise. What can I say, Iran makes many drones for us, we owed them one.

So strange, the laws in your country. If Vladimir wants to take secret Russian government documents home and show them off to dinner guests or cleaning staff or hotSlovakianSlovenian wife who he wants to impress so she stops screaming every time I touch her, then Vladimir does so. Who will say no? Is not technically illegal for Vladimir, though we would of course toss anyone else who did it into Lefortovo prison and yank all their teeth out one by one.

In America, is illegal for even the country’s leader to take secret documents home and hoard them in unguarded boxes six feet from elderly Palm Beach socialites hopped up on Fuzzy Navels. And when he does it, you do not send him or anyone else straight from his home to Lefortovo prison dentist. You do not even take him into FSB basement for severe beating.

No, you leave the case hanging over his superiorly coiffed head for years and years while it goes through court. And maybe you don’t pull teeth, but you do let mouthy harlots on “The View” yell about him every day on television. Even Vladimir shiver at that one.

On good side, you do let him stay in gilded palace the whole time, free to come and go as he wish. When Russian revolution let tsar stay in gilded palace, it was under armed guard, we took away most of servants and made him live with his wife and children. And they had to sweep rooms themselves and prepare own food much of time.

The tsar certainly did not get to play thirty-six holes every day and host hottie like Kari Lake for dinner and drinks. What a country, as degraded Jew “comedian” Yakov Smirnoff said.

I tell Trump, “At least stay somewhere that does not have basement,” and he laughs at Vladimir. “I have very powerful basement,” he says, whatever that means.

Well, he can pardon self when Vladimir helps him become president again. Not that we would do such thing. You heard nothing, Wonkette!

[ CNN / Wall Street Journal ]

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