Henry Paulson Has A Protein Spill, And Say Goodbye To Snail Mail

Remember when America was American asAPPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman's office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations ofMICHELE BACHMANN'SiTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the HouseNANCY PELOSIhas decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, the obvious exception beingKENNY G'S  "The Moment," since that was the Mujahideen's theme song. But if Nancy is so in love with theTALIBAN, why has she trimmed her beard? Curious gossip mongers want to know ...

OVERRIPE GOSSIP FRUIT: In February 2008, Goldman Sachs Playmate of the YearHENRY PAULSONwas chatting amiably with some sod from Vanity Fair , when, suddenly feeling the terrible consequences of an unregulated diet, he rushed to the bathroom and bailed out his lunch, again and again and again. And what about the American taxpayer, Mr. Paulson? When will youRALPHup something for them? ...

THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICEis going out of business! Take advantage of the huge discounts on stamps, bubble wrap, andPASSPORT PHOTOS! Everything must go! And yes, this means it could take up to five weeks to receive the genericVALIUMyou mail-ordered from thePHILIPPINES. Just more proof the government can't handle health care.

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