Here Is Your 'Ex-Gay' Anthem, America

According to the American Patriarchy Association's OneNewsNow, this generic little pile of notes and words by Dennis Jernigan, "Rise Up," has been selected as the anthem for the "ex-homosexual movement" by all ten or so of the movement's members. Featuring such deeply meaningful lyrics as "You have dared to dream a dream / leading to reality / Open up your eyes embrace all you can see," as well as a number of other lines ending in "ee" vowel sounds, the song says nearly nothing but sounds sort of inspirational, maybe, and since it sounds exactly like 90% of other songs on Contemporary Christian FM radio, is the perfect anthem for a bunch of people who desperately want to blend in with the mainstream.

Oh, and the singer-songwriter, Dennis Jernigan, is himself an ex-gay person himself, so there. And there's no way anyone could ever make rude puns about a song titled "Rise Up," or snicker like 13-year-olds at another Jernigan ditty, "On My Knees." 

Jernigan was asked for "an ex-gay anthem" by "Voice of the Voiceless," the one man advocacy group behind that "Ex-Gay Pride Month" thing that was so wildly successful that it held its big awards dinner last month in an undisclosed location because invisible homosexual terrorists had scared them. He says that "Rise Up' is "a natural fit for what they're trying to accomplish," possibly because it's vague enough that it could also be used to sell gym memberships or life insurance. It's upbeat and kind of Jesusy, which is all you really need.

Jernigan seems like a good choice for Voice of the Voiceless, since he has made a career of being an ex-gay person since 1981, has been married for 30 years, and has 9 children. Probably a more reliably not-gay-no-more icon than their recent "Courage Award" winner Trace McNutt, the former “Satanic Drag Queen” who recently acknowledged that he still craves the cawk. Conveniently enough, Jernigan is also flogging an autobiography and a documentary about his miraculous transformation, so hey, synergy.

We would like to suggest a far more appropriate and timely anthem:

[ OneNewsNow ]