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The Latest On The Genius Plot To Underpants Gnome Robert Mueller To Death!
Imagine if they weren't fucking idiots.
Important updates on The Stupidest Thing That Ever Happened (This Week), i.e. the hilarious conspiracy to take down special counsel Robert Mueller! Surprise, Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl, the pro-Trump power rangers who seem to have hatched the super smart plot to pay women to make false harassment and rape allegations against Mueller, are still stepping on their dicks at every turn.
Jim Hoft -- AKA The Gateway Pundit AKA The Stupidest Man On The Internet AKA owner of the "news" site where somehow Jacob Wohl "is a writer" since young Wohl got banned from hedge funding -- originally published EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS detailing a rape Mueller allegedly committed in New York City on a day he was in Washington DC. But Hoft took the documents down Tuesday after #ThePlan started to go hilariously wrong, due to how journalists started talking publicly about how paste-chomping morons had tried to bait them into running with an obviously fake story about Robert Mueller being a big sexual harasser/rape man.
Upon further investigation, it turned out that "SureFire," the "intelligence company" that had contacted women on behalf of Jack Burkman to try to convince them to make false accusations against Mueller in exchange for money, is a wholly owned subsidiary of JACOB WOHL'S MOM, or at least it was borrowing her flip phone to conduct its very important business. (Wonkette is investigating the possibility that "SureFire" is also a dollar store version of a Fleshlight, which makes sense because we're pretty sure Jacob Wohl lives with his mom and therefore might not be able to afford name brand Fleshlights. We will let you know what we find out!)
The show must go on! Burkman is going to do a "press conference" on Thursday with a "Robert Mueller accuser" that he "didn't pay money to." And Gateway Pundit is going to do the journalism required to get to the real truth!
Gateway Pundit also published a new article around the same time, advancing a new theory of the case, published by the GP writer with the flowers in her hair, who may or may not exist:
Oh, so now it's Mueller's fault. Because Robert Mueller has time, while he investigates a multi-national conspiracy to steal an election, to try to frame Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl and accuse them of creating a conspiracy to frame him . The fallacy of this argument, of course, would be that it assumes that Mueller knew who Burkman and Wohl were before all this. He knows now, though!
So that happened.
But wait, there's more! If you'll remember, the reason nobody heard about this obviously genius scheme before yesterday is that all real journalists had LOLed at the story as obvious bullshit. They also had problems verifying the information in a letter they received accusing Mueller not of rape, but of sexual harassment, when the alleged accuser, identified as "Lorraine Parsons," worked with Mueller. Indeed, they had trouble verifying she even existed. Finding the story lacking, all the real journalists determined it was a big stupid hoax.
@NatashaBertrand It’s just a stupid hoax.
— Jane Mayer (@Jane Mayer) 1540904431.0
See if you can follow the bouncing idiot here, because according to Jack Burkman, DUH Lorraine Parsons does not exist, which means the Deep State Mainstream Media clearly invented her in order to frame him , in order to distract from the REAL story, which was the other "accuser" coming forward with rape allegations at the Thursday press conference, which you know just everybody had been talking about before Robert Mueller decided to frame Jack Burkman and make it look like Jack Burkman was framing Robert Mueller:
Um ... OK. On behalf of the FBI, we thank Jack Burkman for accidentally confessing and making law enforcement's job that much easier!
To be clear, Robert Mueller found out about this because yet another woman, Jennifer Taub -- who is verifiably real, as we've seen her on the TV! -- was sent a letter by an obviously fake operative from "SureFire Intelligence," offering her money in exchange for stories about being harassed by Robert Mueller, which is weird because she has never met Robert Mueller . Taub forwarded the letter to the special counsel's office, and only later reached out to Natasha Bertrand at The Atlantic when this very stupid story started to gain traction.
Remember, Jack Burkman has been publicly offering financial rewards for a while now to people with damaging information on Mueller and the wider Russia investigation. Also remember that when an investigative journalist named Scott Stedman talked to the Burkman intermediary that the letter from "Parsons" alleged had contacted her, that dude actually admitted he was paying women to lie about Mueller :
He was extremely willing to confirm that he was indeed paying women to tell stories about Mueller. I concluded that… https: //t.co/DbdJjKuAm8
— Scott Stedman (@Scott Stedman) 1540876100.0
So as best as we can tell, the plot here, such as there is a "plot," is that Jack Burkman and/or Jacob Wohl made up the first accuser and seeded her fake letter to journalists first, hoping against hope that one of those journalists would run with it. That way, they would be TOTALLY DISCREDITED and made to look like idiots when it turned out she was not real, but Jack Burkman would look like a hero when he came out with the REAL accuser, who is definitely real. (At least we think that's what he was going for, somehow? We don't know, there is some serious Underpants Gnoming going on here.)
As journalists are professionals who actually do investigate the stories they report, for real, you fucking morons who think they just typed down whatever Brett Kavanaugh's accusers said and presented it as facts, OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID, exactly zero of them took the bait.
Whatever the original plan was, it all went hilariously badly and now these morons are furiously trying to prove this was their plan the whole time.
@SwiftOnSecurity Yes, I believe that's right, tho not sure which role Jacob had and which Burkman did. But it all d… https: //t.co/S9mkPoJS4V
— emptywheel (@emptywheel) 1540950743.0
And so that is where we are now, we guess!
Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl are saying the press conference will go on, because we guess the only way out of this situation is through it. Jim Hoft is apparently going to the event, and Wohl tweeted that he's on his way to DC, so that was nice of his mom to buy him a plane ticket.
And we are sitting here, six days from the most consequential election of our entire lives, and we are just glad we have something to LOL at.
Oh yes you do.
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