Heritage Foundation Wants You To F*ck For America!

It's the Manhattan Project, for making babies.

Welcome to the Heritage Foundation’s Manhattan Project ... for fucking!

Before we go any further, I have to ask: Is everyone here heterosexual? Because we here at the Heritage Foundation are not on board with families that consist of anything but a mommy and a daddy. Two daddies? No thank you. Two mommies? Ha ha, you must be joking. Single and partnerless but really want children? Here’s a one-month trial offer for Christian Mingle, get back to us when you have given up and settled for someone that, deep down, you're not all that crazy about. Sure you are hoping for true love, but unfortunately those wombs aren’t going to stay fertile forever.

Because here at the Heritage Foundation’s Manhattan Project for Making Babies Through Only Heterosexual Fucking, we are not fans of, quote unquote, “extraordinary technical solutions” to the problem of women not being constantly pregnant. No egg freezing, no in-vitro fertilization, no surrogacy. If you are freezing your eggs, it is because you are a woman with career ambitions, which we frown upon. And surrogates are a sort of cheat code for single people to have children without commitment to a good Christian marriage, and we think single parents are among society’s most selfish and terrible criminals. We want to restore the traditional family unit with zero acknowledgement that not everyone can fulfill our vision, because life is messy.

Nope, all babies must be conceived the old-fashioned way, through two minutes of vigorous thrusting and fluid exchanges, followed by a good two hours of gnawing disappointment and regret.

We understand that this is incredibly upsetting to you heterosexual Donald Trump voters who thought our glorious president was going to make IVF free by having either the government or insurance companies cover the cost. Now he seems to have gone back on the idea the minute he was back in office. In your defense, there was no way to know he would go back on his word unless you had paid attention to literally anything he has said or done in the last 50 years.

Anyway, the exit is back that way. You may be leaving here without children, but feel free to browse in our gift shop on your way out. They’re having a sale on our Useless Broodmare T-shirts, which do not sell very well for some reason.

Bad News For Anyone Who Actually Thought Trump Was Gonna Get Them Free IVF

So, ladies who are left, are you excited to do your patriotic duty to start treating your uterus like a Pez dispenser that pops out children instead of sugary candy one right after the other? Are you psyched to be going through the miracle of pushing a nine-pound watermelon through your birth canal once a year, every year, from now until your wombs have held more residents than The Villages?

God, how great would it be if you could gestate a human baby in three months instead of nine? You could quadruple your yearly output of squalling infants, and we could maybe stop worrying about the population collapse we are so creepily afraid of.

Why am I even limiting myself to three months? How about three weeks? Three days? You could produce an entire college football team by Halloween!

Speaking of The Villages, is anyone here from Florida? I understand if you are all perturbed that you have a higher birth quota, thanks to all the once-banished diseases that are about to come roaring back to run through your youth population like Carl Lewis at the ‘84 Olympics now that your Surgeon General and your governor have declared an end to vaccine mandates for schoolchildren. Believe me, if we could replicate those circumstances in all 50 states, we’d do so in a heartbeat. Because vaccine mandates are basically slavery. But only Ron DeSantis has had the courage to expose his constituents to resurgent polio and rubella.

After Decades Of Making It Harder To Have Kids, The GOP Wants To Bribe You To Have One

Unfortunately, this does mean the children you are birthing will be at higher risk of disease and death. Which means you have to work overtime to create the sustainable large broods we envision you staying home for 20 or 30 years to care for. Think of it as you being extra patriotic.

Now, we understand that moving to Florida is not an option for America’s entire population of childbearing-aged women. But rest assured, you should not let that dissuade you from trying to exceed your birth quota. The more babies you have, the more government-seeded savings accounts you can get!

No, no, handing women money for having babies is only bad if you’re Black. Then we call it “welfare,” and it is to be condemned and anyone receiving it should have to wear a big scarlet W on their chests.

Now, are there any questions before I release all of you to your personally assigned Fuck Rooms, so that you can commence the heterosexual intercourse that your nation needs?

Oh, that’s a good one. You’re right, you would think that pronatalists concerned with population collapse would not care how babby is formed, just so long as you get babby. But that’s because, as I mentioned earlier, we are trying to make sure that babies are only born to strong, heterosexual family units. Allow me to share this passage from The Washington Post, which quotes a summary of our report titled “We Must Save the American Family.”

Instead, it suggests that “the answer to the problem of loneliness and demographic decline must begin with marriage,” and blames “free love, pornography, careerism, the Pill, abortion, same-sex relations, and no-fault divorce” as culprits behind the decline of American marriages.

So really, blame the damn hippies, with their love-ins and their Woodstocks and whatnot. If they hadn’t ruined society, the traditional nuclear family would still dominate, and we would not have had to set up this massive breeding facility – er, I mean this complex with its gift shop and its Fuck Rooms and all these American flags.

All right, get to fucking. Your nation thanks you for your service.

[Washington Post]

Support independent media by giving Wonkette money!