Heroic Ukrainian President Resists Urge To Gouge Out Donald Trump's Eyeballs
You know he was thinking it.
Would you like to watch seven of the most awkward minutes committed to video since “Two Girls, One Cup” became the viral sensation of the early 21st century? Then by all means check out this clip of Donald Trump and President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine talking to the media before holding a meeting at Trump Tower on Friday. They make quite a pair: Zelensky in the combat fatigues he has taken to wearing everywhere and Trump in one of those ill-fitting suits that make him look as if his tailor got bored halfway through measuring him for it.
Zelensky had sent Trump a fawning letter requesting the meeting, which Trump proudly posted on TruthSocial this week so we would all know that he is still important and also because egregious flattery is about the only thing that can rouse his weird mushroom dick from slumber these days. Zelensky’s motivation for requesting this meeting is profoundly transparent – he wants to be on Trump’s good side in case the burnt umber crayon-colored freak makes it back into the White House in January. Given the stakes for his people and his nation, spending a couple of hours in Donald Trump’s mouthy presence must feel like a very small sacrifice.
But if body language could talk, Zelensky’s would be screaming DEAR LORD GET ME BACK TO KYIV WHERE I ONLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH BOMBS AND RUSSIAN HIT SQUADS TRYING TO KILL ME AND MY NATION’S POSSIBLE EXTINCTION.
Trump, meanwhile, was his usual self. Asked by a reporter about what his expectations were for the meeting, the former-and-God-willing-never-again-president talked his poll numbers:
“This is a meeting, and we have a big race going on right now. I guess 37 days left and we’re leading in the polls and so we’ll see how it all works out. Hopefully it’ll work out, but if it does we’re going to work very much with both parties to get this settled.”
Then it was on to the “impeachment hoax,” that time when Trump was president and tried to extort Zelensky to find some dirt on Joe Biden, leaning on the head of a sovereign nation like he was a Manhattan real estate tax assessor:
“I will say I’ve had a great relationship … when they did the impeachment hoax–it was a hoax, just a Democrat hoax which we won–but one of the reasons we won it so easily is that when the president was asked—it was over a phone call with the president, and he could have said, he could have grandstanded and played cute. But he didn’t do that, he said President Trump did absolutely nothing wrong, he said it loud and clear and the impeachment hoax died right there.”
We’re sure you will be shocked to learn this is an inaccurate description of what happened, although Trump has been claiming otherwise for five years.
What Zelensky said in 2019 was that he never talked to Trump “from the position of a quid pro quo.” He had also expressed how mad he was that Trump threatened to withhold aid from Ukraine, which at the time had been fighting Russian-backed separatists in the eastern part of the country for five years:
“I don’t want us to look like beggars. But you have to understand. We’re at war. If you’re our strategic partner, then you can’t go blocking anything for us. I think that’s just about fairness. It’s not about a quid pro quo. It just goes without saying.”
Naturally Trump only heard the part about the lack of a quid pro quo. And of course the impeachment “hoax” didn’t die because of Zelensky, it died because the Republicans in the Senate are corrupt weenies who acquitted him despite the abundant evidence.
Now, maybe Zelensky really felt the conversation was no big deal. Or maybe in 2019 Trump was still president and running for re-election the next year, so Zelensky was trying to stay on the big baby’s good side. We’ll have to wait for his memoirs to perhaps get an answer.
Back at Trump Tower on Friday, Trump continued equivocating about ending the war, because otherwise Vladimir Putin will call him later and yank his leash:
”We have a very good relationship. And as you know, I also have a very good relationship with President Putin, and I think if we win, we’re going to get it resolved very quickly … you know it takes two to tango.”
We keep seeing this vision of Putin sitting in the Kremlin, rubbing his hands together and cackling as he watches his lickspittle on worldwide television promise he’s going to work out a “fair” deal for everyone in Ukraine.
We prefer what Kamala Harris said when meeting with Zelensky on Thursday, which was that Ukraine handing over territory to Putin is a form of surrender, not peace. She is much more clear-eyed about the Russian president and his intentions. But then, she’s not a sucker with a brain made out of melted candle wax.
As a bonus, Trump and Zelensky made a brief appearance after Friday’s meeting, during which Trump babbled about getting a “fair deal for everyone” and Zelensky continued to look like Trump had just skewered his soul and made it into a shish kabob.
The whole scene at Trump Tower was at least nicer than the scene Republicans staged earlier this week when Zelensky visited an ammunition factory in Pennsylvania, a trip that caused country-fried bumpkin James Comer to nearly choke on the giant slab of fatback he was gnawing like a hyena. He’ll likely call off his investigation that he had no intention of starting up anyway.
Zelensky is flying back home to a war zone later, which means his weekend is actually looking up.
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I hope President Harris is still in office when Olena Zelenska and Volodymyr Zelenskyy have finished kicking the orcs out of their country. I want them to be received at the Harris White House with all the respect they have earned. This is now added to my bucket list.
We should try electing a short, tough, badass comedian as president. It could work out as well for us as it has for Ukraine.
Jokes aside, I have nothing but admiration for President Zelenskyy. It's no small thing to have Russia trying to steal your country, knowing that every day could be the one where his assassins get you, or the one where the nazis in America get their puppets in Congress to stop sending you aid, or the one where your troops just can't do any more than they've done. And going forward, even when the war is over (whenever that may be) the restoration of a country is a massive task, and they've lost combatants and non-coms alike, and everyone just must be so weary.