HEY YOU GUYSSSSS
Wonkette is bleeding out over here.
Funny thing happened this week: The lawyer we hired to negotiate the $5,000 bill for three photo copyright violations (including one of Herman Cain that goes back to the last Wonkette era) got the bill down to $2,000, then charged us $2,000! Maybe more. He hasn't added up his surely dozen hours in December yet. You know those hilarious statistics about "could you withstand a $500 emergency" and half the country just lies down on the floor and DIES with laughter, and also starvation? Well, Wonkette doesn't have a spare $4,000 in a month. In fact, Wonkette is in the hole about $20,000 for the year, and honestly, I'm fucking pissed. And I'm not sure Dok and Evan and Five Dollar Feminist, who have been bearing the brunt of me, like it too much either!
Nobody (with a vag) is asking for $60 million in VC funding to blow through, or even $6 million. That's for Mic and The Outline and other news sites from men. (Then they lay off their entire editorial staffs because who can even run a news site on that???) But it would be really fucking nice if our just under 400,000 readers a month -- a good-sized city! a verysmall-sized state! -- were able to support an independent, ad-free news site with a full-time staff of THREE FUCKING PROFESSIONALS, plus three part-time, plus good freelance, while I'm working 55 hours a week LOOKING AT TRUMP'S FACE. In November, .8 percent of our readers donated to keep us going -- that's point-eight, not eight -- and god knows I love them and they are the greatest, but they shouldn't have to do it all.
YOU love Wonkette. You love that it is AD-FREE and DOESN'T BREAK YOUR BROWSER. You love that Dok does actual important policy, and Five Dollar Feminist splains law at you, and Robyn and Stephen and Bianca and Dom keep you up to date on all the terrible things without making you cry hardly ever, and Evan is here to insult Junior's face.
If you've been meaning to throw us some cash but just haven't gotten around to it, for fuck's sake, GO GET YOUR FUCKING CREDIT CARD because I AM FUCKING DYING HERE. Better yet, sign up to keep giving it, every month. Even if it's fucking $2. Imagine if two percent of you started sending us money! Imagine if it was FUCKING FIVE! Imagine if you were sending us a HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH to put up one podcast a week calling Democrats moneygrubbing capitalists! Just kidding, I don't want that and those guys suck.
Also, I am pretty sure I'm soon going to be on the rag. ALSO also, I'm having butt surgery next week, but you guys DO pay 100 percent of our medical, so yay, thank you, I love you, you're good. (See, I spend your money on 100 percent medical for the staff because of what a neoliberal I am. I SURE FUCKING WISH I COULD HIRE ALL OF THEM, DON'T YOU.)
Happy fucking Christmas, everything is terrible and I want to cry. But at least Mueller should be up soon, and Evan's gonna tap-dance (with votes!) all over Trump's noggin, and I am going to have this drink, which isn't going to drink itself, something something Trump Junior's face.
My pathetic excuse is that I can’t sign up for regular donations (because dirty foreign) as the exchange costs would be too high and every time I try to make a one off it (or me) fucks up and I have let it drift too long. Apologies and I’ll email later.
$19,990 in the hole now, and I am in awe that you sent me a TY. As I said before, I being a disabled vet am typing this on one of the first picture phones ever built from the freeway ramp where hostage drivers have to donate to me if they wish to join the flow of traffic on the 215 (maybe you should try using my capital generating model?) so I sort of know where you are coming from, and of course since my own butthole surgery is covered by the VA I feel as if I am simply rolling in mink compared to you. Just one request please dear, more dick jokes, they never get old and reddit is too hard to read on this phone.