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Hi! I'm Ginni Thomas And I Am Super-Psyched To Tell The January 6 Committee To F*ck Itself Sideways!
Read a sneak preview of my testimony or I will crush you in my super-powerful jaws!
Oh my God! Thank you, members of the committee, for giving me the opportunity to come before you and clear up some misconceptions about my involvement with the January 6 protests . I am just super-pumped to be here! It’s super-exciting! The last time I was in a congressional hearing, that old leech Teddy Kennedy kept winking at me. Later on I heard he told people he was doing it because he thought I was Mrs. Garrett from “The Facts of Life.” He was a weird one, Teddy Kennedy.
So okay, let’s get started! First, however, I’d like to ask if all the committee members enjoyed the Jell-o molds I had sent to your offices as a sort of peace offering? I tried to make them as ethnically accurate as I could, to show how much I respect you. That’s why all the Jewish members’ molds contain brisket and braised carrots. Representative Aguilar, you are from California’s Inland Empire, so your mold contained a mix of chicken from El Pollo Loco and meth. Chairman Thompson, I wanted to be as sensitive as possible to any racial implications, so I just didn’t make one for you. I hope that’s super-okay!
Representative Cheney, you are from Wyoming, and also you have betrayed the Republican Party and all it stands for, which is why your mold contained a single bullet and pictures of that door into your mud room that never latches correctly and could be easily pried open with a screwdriver by one of the many armed patriots who live in your state. You might want to get that fixed before your son gets home from soccer practice in like twenty minutes.
Anyhoo! You have some concerns about my contacts with John Eastman in the months leading up to the January 6 protest that, unfortunately, was spoiled by a few bad apples. And you know what we say in my home state of Nebraska: if the apple be rotten, it best be forgotten. But if the apple be good, Donald Trump should be unilaterally installed as president despite his losing the election!
No, you don’t need to call Ben Sasse to fact-check me. Just trust me, we say it. Go Cornhuskers!
I would like to just say that John Eastman is a fine lawyer, one of the finest legal minds to ever tackle the problem of your preferred candidate losing an election. John has thought long and hard about how to resolve this issue, as you can tell from all the evidence you’ve gathered. And he likes to think outside the box, like all good lawyers. Or so my Clarence tells me, usually while he’s writing an opinion that will allow, like, corporations to claim their employees’ children as their own intellectual property or force all women to live in underground birthing mines.
I think this is going super-great so far! How about all of you?
Anyway, John Eastman! A great lawyer and a super-great patriot! John, like so many of us, had some concerns about election integrity and fraud and Democrats being allowed to vote and all the other George Soros-backed plans to take this election away from MAGA Americans and not put Joe Biden on trial for treason on a floating barge off of Guantanamo Bay. So he did something about it!
By the way, I know a great barge guy! He’s contributed lots of money he made in barges to super-patriotic Republicans! I’m sure he’d give the government a break on the floating prison barge we’re putting Joe Biden on as soon as Arizona and Wisconsin decertify their presidential election results! Just let me know!
Anyway, you shouldn’t listen to all those legal scholars who say John’s scheme to reject presidential electors was, quote, unconstitutional, or quote, illegal, or quote, the worst attempt to destroy two hundred years of democracy since the country’s founding. Or, quote, nuttier than all the squirrel shit at some sort of squirrel farm! What does, like, Michael Luttig know about the Constitution? He worked for that communist Warren Burger, for gosh sakes!
While we’re talking about our plans to overturn the election through any and all means including manipulating waves of angry loons to march to the Capitol to capture and hang the Vice President of the United States unless he does what we want, I have to say, I find it super-weird that so many people think I’m some sort of Machiavellian figure on the Right. Why, I’m just Virginia Lamp Thomas, proud conservative and concerned American, and I will bite your heads off and swallow them whole like a giant python eating a Kayapo tribesman and then hang your bodies from the Capitol dome as a warning to others who defy me. Unless you get smart and undo the 2020 election and put Donald Trump back in office, in which case I’ll be as super-sweet as a little lamb at a Victorian garden party!
In conclusion, obviously I did nothing wrong. Unlike that bitch Anita Hill, who almost ruined my Clarence’s career. Which reminds me, Anita, if you’re watching, and I know you are, you jealous hose beast, we’re still waiting for that apology!
Thank you for your time, and may the QAnon shaman kill you in your beds!
[ Daily Caller ]