Hi, Maggie Haberman! New NYT Social Media Guidelines! Did You Read Them, Maggie Haberman? DID YOU?
Hi Maggie Haberman, it is yr loyal Wonkette! HI HI HI!
We assume you are doing swell today and, as it's mid-afternoon right now, we imagine you had a very successful morning of blocking people on Twitter and being kind of so-so at journalism. Last time we visited with each other, we were gently constructively criticizing one of your #HotTakes on Twitter, right before Tom Price was quit-fired as HHS Secretary for all his grifting. You said if there's one thing Donald Trump doesn't like, it's waste or the appearance of waste. Wonkette said, "Oh boy, how much does the Trump regime pay you to tweet bullshit like that? Or is that just the price you pay for access? Boy howdy, we reckon you are full of shit!" It was a good conversation we had that day!
We just wanted to check in and make sure you had gotten a copy of the New York Times 's new social media guidelines, because they seem to be directed at you, just a little bit maybe. Oh wait, you did! The memo actually says you signed off on these guidelines! Anyway, we wanted to highlight two parts, in case your colleagues slipped them in when you weren't paying attention.
FIRST THING:
OH FIDDLESTICKS, HOW IS TWITTER EVEN FUN IF YOU CAN'T ACCUSE PEOPLE OF NOT READING YOUR HOT TAKES? And yes, we specifically mean YOU:
We gotta level with you, M. Habes. Wonkette gets tweets ALL THE TIME where some A IDIOT on Twitter is dumb and doesn't get one of our jokes, and we are SORELY TEMPTED at times to @ them with something like "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING COCK, WHY DON'T YOU READ THE GODDAMN ARTICLE." Hell, they even sometimes tell us the proper English is "AN idiot," because they are not familiar with our little inside jokes. Perhaps you have gotten similar know-nothing replies from readers unfamiliar with your particular schtick, which is being bad at your job.
Wonkette's advice? Don't punch down at people. It's not nice.
Also? Don't punch Nate Silver, like you did when he GENTLY SUGGESTED that maybe it was a bit hypocritical of you to write about how Donald Trump harped on the non-scandal of Hillary Clinton's emails all throughout the election, when in fact the New York Times was WORSE THAN TRUMP when it came to harping on the non-scandal of Hillary Clinton's emails. You were a real dick that day.
SECOND THING:
Maggie Haberman, GET YOUR FINGER OFF THAT BLOCK BUTTON RIGHT NOW. As many readers are already aware, you block ERRBODY, for any reason, or no reason at all. They say you got a fact wrong? BLOCKED. Wonkette editrix Rebecca points out (like a common Nate Silver!) that your paper really banged the goat in its 2016 Hillary Clinton coverage? BLOCKED. Hell, one of our readers tweeted at us that you blocked them for saying something nice yet SPELLING YOUR NAME WRONG.
To which we can only reply:
MAGGY HALBERSTAM.
MARGIE HURMPTERDURMP.
PEG HRMPH!
We believe we have made our point, OH NO DON'T BLOCK US!
Wonkette's advice? Staaaaaaaaaaahp.
One final question, Mildred. Did you get in trouble with the teacher and get sent to the New York Times principal's office? Because this is your most recent tweet:
We know you're at work, because you published yesterday. Did you drop a big deuce on Twitter and have to write your name on the blackboard one million times? Is that what precipitated these new guidelines, which could easily be nicknamed "How Not To Be Maggie Haberman On Twitter So Much, My God"? We are just curious.
Well, Madge Honkytonk, this has been a good conversation and we continue to appreciate all the good scoops you get on what is going on inside the White House. Let's all recommit to being our Best Selves on social media! As always, we are
Yours in Christ,
Wonkette
P.S. Our personal Twitter link is just below. Click on it and give this whole "NOT BLOCKING PEOPLE" thing a whirl!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.
We would pry your twitter out of your cold dead fingers!
You're not allowed to comment either? I thought it was just me.