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Hillary And Bernie About To Do Fisticuffs One More Time, Please God Let This Be The Last Time
Sure they're smiling RIGHT NOW.
WHOA HEY it's been a minute since we've had one of these debate-styley things! But things have been getting super UGLY in the Democratic race, so they need to do this again, obviously. Bernie was like "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL ON ANY OF THE FOLLOWING DATES!" and Hillary was like "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL ON A DIFFERENT DAY WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE A THING, COME AT ME, BRO!" Seriously, that is how it happened, according to Politico. Anyway, they all moved their hair appointments around on their Google calendars, so they can debate in New York City tonight.
You have questions, we have halfway decent answers:
What? A Democratic debate at a day and time people will actually want to watch it, instead of during the Super Bowl at 4 AM on a Saturday morning? Is Debbie Wasserman-Schultz sick or something?
Right???? She likes to do those debates when LITERALLY nobody cares about them! Maybe she's too busy going after Elizabeth Warren's Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, and wasn't paying attention to the debate schedule this time.
Who are the candidates in this debate?
Seriously? Have you been dead the last year? They are Hillary Sanders and Bernie Rodham and they are in a tight contest right now ahead of the New York Primary next week!
WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE MORE DEBATES? This is fuckin' dumb, bro.
Because literally nobody in the entire progressive/liberal/Democratic electorate has ANY idea who they're voting for yet. Just check Twitter, it's a bunch of people saying, "They both seem great! How will I choose?!"
You are making a sarcasm, Wonkette!
YES WE ARE! Everybody is kung fu fighting and we are bored of it. Oh hooray and for the record, the DNC still has a "TBA" debate listed for May, so maybe we will get to do this again!
But they ARE both pretty great, right?
Better than anything the Republicans have to offer.
OKAY FINE, we will watch. But only if you scour Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's various social media accounts and throw a sexxx picture of him at our faces.
Asked and answered:
AWWWWWW YEAH. So when is this dumb television extravaganza on anyway?
Um, it is at 9 PM Eastern Time, which is "a time" in all the other time zones. Wolf Blitzer is moderating, which will make it extra terrible. It's on CNN, which will make it even more terrible than that!
And you are liveblogging, yeah? That's the only way we can endure these things!
We know, and yes, no shit, we are liveblogging. We are very important political journalists! You come join us, we make dick jokes about Wolf Blitzer's bad face and hopefully Mommy Bernie and Daddy Hillary won't kill each other too much. See y'all then!