Hillary Clinton Attended Birthday Party Of Clinton Foundation Official Bill Clinton! GO TO JAIL!

Look at 'em schemin'!

OMG, you guys, the noose is definitely tightening around the many foul crimes Hillary Clinton committed while Secretary of State, when she did all kinds of rotten stuff that would simply shock you, and which any ordinary American would surely be jailed for. Consider this Media Matters breakdown of a September 6 piece in the Wall Street Journal which reported such astonishing discoveries as the Clintons -- both of them! -- attending Bill Clinton's birthday party, and also socializing -- in a most outrageous and undoubtedly corrupt manner -- with people they'd known for years, who they considered "friends" -- even as Hillary Clinton served as Secretary of State! Yes, astonishing, we know. After all, just look at the juicy revelations teased by the WSJ's lede:

Hillary Clinton as secretary of state attended high-profile events and functions where donors to her family’s charitable foundation were in attendance, calendar records show.

Well, that clearly means she traded favors for donations, huh? Nope. Not a single example in the WSJ article. But they do turn up such scandals as Hillary Clinton appearing at a forum where her daughter Chelsea interviewed her. Then this: "Three weeks later, she attended what was billed as a Clinton Foundation dinner in Los Angeles." A dinner -- How corrupt! No doubt there was both hobbing and nobbing with many wealthy donors. Oh, and there's another thing about that dinner, notes Media Matters:

The dinner occurred at a concert that “doubled as Bill Clinton’s 65th birthday party,” according to a contemporaneous 2011 Los Angeles Times report. 

We bet she even "went home" with the "guest of honor," if you know what we mean, and we think you do. Ah, but now it's time to bring the wealthy donors onstage. We'll let Media Matters do the heavy lifting here; the first blockquote is the WSJ, the second Media Matters:

The following day, she was scheduled to attend a brunch at the home of media billionaire Haim Saban, whose family foundation has given more than $10 million to the Clinton Foundation.

The calendar says she and her husband were to “mix and mingle with guests.”

The Journal’s analysis reduces Saban to nothing more than a Clinton Foundation donor; mentioning Clinton’s attendance at a brunch at Saban’s home makes sense in this article only under that frame. In reality, Saban has known and supported the Clintons since Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential campaign. Drawing a line from the Clinton Foundation donation to the brunch appearance is nonsensical.

Halfway through the piece, the WSJ noted the records were provided by Citizens United, which is not exactly an unbiased group when it comes to the Clintons. Not that Citizens United had any evidence anything shady was going on, but hey, they did provide the documents, so clearly there must be something sinister about the Clintons in there.

Finally, we get to what might look like some dirty dirt, if only it weren't wholly consistent with Clinton's actual job as Secretary of State: The WSJ "reveals" that Clinton attended a September 2011 summit and "gave a speech on empowering women." Shockingly, she met with Wal-Mart executives and discussed "a company initiative aimed at boosting women-owned businesses." Then, just look at all the corruption!

In the spring of the next year, Wal-Mart pledged to help women in Latin America with a $1.5 million donation in grants to 55,000 women entrepreneurs through a public-private partnership Mrs. Clinton created at the State Department. Wal-Mart also gave $500,000 for Vital Voices, a charity she co-founded.

Later in 2012, Mrs. Clinton visited India and made an argument to loosen the nation’s restrictions on big-box retailers.

A Clinton representative has said she was advocating on behalf of American companies in general.

Again, there don't seem to be any quids, pros, quos, or even Queequegs in there, but maybe if you squint really hard you can imagine some, as Media Matters notes:

As secretary of state, Clinton promoted women-owned businesses abroad, including through public-private partnerships, and advocated for U.S. companies in foreign countries. In other words, she did her job. But the article scandalizes these typical job responsibilities by placing them in the context of “questions” raised about the foundation. Vital Voices is a nonprofit that grew out of a U.S. government program Clinton and then-Secretary of State Madeleine Albright founded in 1997 to “promote the advancement of women as a U.S. foreign policy goal.”

Wow, so Hillary Clinton went to Clinton Foundation events with her daughter and husband, and also talked to Wal-Mart execs about helping women entrepreneurs. Then they helped women entrepreneurs! If that doesn't prove the fix was in, then nothing does.

Oh, and that's the end of the WSJ article, apart from a quote from a Clinton spokesman noting that none of these events, which were reported when they happened, involved anything illegal, unethical, or even out of the ordinary. We're looking forward to the comments telling us the Clintons should have placed all their friends in a blind trust when she took office. And maybe all women, too.

[ Media Matters / WSJ ]