Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth

 
   By the Comics Curmudgeon  
The Wonkette empire was of course built on ass-fucking, but the prudes of American journalism have a problem with depicting anal sex in mainstream political cartoons. This despite the fact that it's an act perfectly suited for modern-day politics' crude discourse. ("Boy, that federal government sure is fucking us in the ass, with its taxes, huh? The government! It'll fuck ya! In the ass! " ) So instead, political cartoonists have to do oral. Sometimes it's all sublimated, and sometimes it ... isn't? See the mouth-horror, after the jump.

 Clicking on the cartoons makes them bigger, which is better than a punch in the mouth. 

Did you hear that Barack Obama compromised America's dignity by putting solar panels on the White House ? This is essentially the moral equivalent of being Hitler, or, since Hitler is dead, being Jimmy Carter. Remember how there was a terrible energy crisis during Carter's presidency, and then he said "Maybe we shouldn't use oil so much, and heat the inside of our homes to 80 degrees at all times, and should instead use energy sources that don't come from unstable countries that hate us?" Ha ha, what a pussy. Everyone made fun of him for this, and if any politician does a single thing that Jimmy Carter ever did, he or she will be deemed "Carter-esque," even if that thing is relatively sensible. Anyway, Jimmy Carter had big teeth, and put solar panels on the White House, so here you go, Barack Obama has big solar Carter teeth. Are these also meant to represent "grills" or "fronts," a tooth decoration popular among blacks, in the ghetto? Sure, let's say yes.

Teabaggers might criticize Obama for adopting the style of the rappers he loves so much. But did you know that the Tea Party's favorite president and founding father, George Washington, had a mouth that was straight-up pimping? His dentures were not made of wood, as the legend holds, but rather hippopotamus ivory and gold,which pretty much sounds like what P. Diddy would make his false teeth out of. Also, he had some of his slaves' teeth transplanted into his mouth! (These human beings whom he owned "sold" their teeth to him, "voluntarily.") Anyway, in an unrelated matter, Washington also liked to let centipedes crawl over his lips and curl up in a ghastly parody of a smile, as you can see in this cartoon, which seems gross to us, but the 18th century was a different time, man.

Inspired by both our first and current president, those pigs in Congress are also going in for the mouth jewelry. Ha ha, look at the Congresspig, with the gold tooth! They can afford this because of "pork barrel politics," in which our legislators literally make laws out of their own flesh, which is then packed into barrels. Anyway, the pig is burning a book on cutting fat, which we guess means he's supposed to be pro-fat, or at least anti-cutting-fat but the multiple visual negations are frankly a little confusing. Thank goodness that it's clearly indicated that the cloud of smoke arising from the burned book represents "greed," or else we might miss the subtleties.

"Hey Mr. Cartoon Violence person," you're probably saying at this point, "What about the oral sex? We were promised oral sex!" Fine, you perverts, here's a cartoon featuring Dick Morris on the verge of sucking on Uncle Sam's toes. Are you happy? Are you?I'll bet you aren't, now! But too bad, you won't be able to get this image out of your mind, ever. (It's from Jeff Danziger, the sick sadist who also brought you "Dick Cheney's semen-filled condom with Bush's face on it," so we shouldn't even be surprised by its vileness.)

In non-oral-sex news, Barack Obama has come home to find his donkey-spouse cheating on him with Bill Clinton. Or, wait, is Bill Clinton cheating on him with some cheap donkey floozy? Who even knows? And we're actually going to have to retract our earlier statement that this isn't oral-sex-related, because obviously Bill Clinton is involved so there was all kinds of oral-genital contact. Maybe Bill and the donkey were 69ing each other! There, there's another nightmarish thing you'll never be able to stop thinking about. Have a good weekend, everybody!