How GOP 'Presidents' Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever -- they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much -- to saying nothing at all because they're too busy crying, apparently.

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The Sad Realists

 Jeb! Bush issued the mildest sort of condemnation possible, and said we need to try to be nice to each other anyway, for God:

Guided by my faith, I believe in traditional marriage. I believe the Supreme Court should have allowed the states to make this decision. I also believe that we should love our neighbor and respect others, including those making lifetime commitments. In a country as diverse as ours, good people who have opposing views should be able to live side by side. It is now crucial that as a country we protect religious freedom and the right of conscience and also not discriminate.”

Also, I am thinking about the general election, and I will let the rest of you loons scream at each other about this one in the primaries, because this looks like a done deal.

 Marco Rubio joined Jeb! Bush on the "I hate gays as much as anyone, but whatchagonnado?" bus, saying many nice things about good Man-Woman marriage, griping that the Supremes should have butted out of the States' business, and explaining that hey, the law's the law, man:

While I disagree with this decision, we live in a republic and must abide by the law. As we look ahead, it must be a priority of the next president to nominate judges and justices committed to applying the Constitution as written and originally understood.

Also, too, Marco Rubio for president because he'll appoint gooder Supreme Court justices who will protect your right to be a bigot for religion.

Rubio's social media team wasn't on top of things at all -- his twitter page offered this for much of the morning:

And then when the twitter was updated, it was with a link to his campaign swag store, not to his statement on the SCOTUS decision.

 Ben Carson, who knows that gays come from prison, was surprisingly OK with the decision, and kept his comments blessedly short:

While I strongly disagree with the Supreme Court’s decision, their ruling is now the law of the land. I call on Congress to make sure deeply held religious views are respected and protected. The government must never force Christians to violate their religious beliefs.

He added that he still thought civil unions were the modern, up-to-date way to go on this, because "marriage is a religious service not a government form."

 Lindsey Graham joined Rubio, Carson, and Jeb! in shrugging his shoulders and moving on to other things, like talking about what foreign countries we should bomb. He had the usual boilerplate about how he believes in traditional marriage and states' rights, but added that there's no political gain in fighting SCOTUS Hall:

"Given the quickly changing tide of public opinion on this issue, I do not believe that an attempt to amend the U.S. Constitution could possibly gain the support of three-fourths of the states or a supermajority in the Congress," he said.

He called that kind of approach "a divisive effort that would be doomed to fail" and said he would instead be on watch for the religious rights of Americans in the aftermath of the ruling, both as a senator and if he were to become President.

Graham also preemptively rolled his eyes and sighed as he anticipated the inevitable wave of completely obvious blog comments about how he can finally get married now. "God, you'd think they could at least try to be creative," he almost certainly muttered.

Grumbly But Vague

Carly Fiorina said things on Facebook about "an activist Court ignoring its constitutional duty to say what the law is and not what the law should be" and also that the Court didn't really settle anything because lots of people still disagree. At least she managed not to remind us that she ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground again.

 Rick Perry seemed to be stuck in the Denial stage of grief, and explained that the Supremes didn't have the power to redefine marriage, so he sees no reason to pay attention to the Court:

I am disappointed the Supreme Court today chose to change the centuries old definition of marriage as between one man and one woman. I’m a firm believer in traditional marriage, and I also believe the 10th Amendment leaves it to each state to decide this issue. I fundamentally disagree with the court rewriting the law and assaulting the 10th Amendment. Our founding fathers did not intend for the judicial branch to legislate from the bench, and as president, I would appoint strict Constitutional conservatives who will apply the law as written.

So there. It's not a real law, after all, because he believes in the Tenth Amendment, so vote for Rick Perry!

Breathing Fire for the Base

 Bobby Jindal was ready to man the barricades, and warned that the next step is almost certainly going to be mass persecution of Christians. Or more mass persecution, since Christians are already the most persecuted people in America:

Marriage between a man and a woman was established by God, and no earthly court can alter that.

This decision will pave the way for an all out assault against the religious freedom rights of Christians who disagree with this decision. This ruling must not be used as pretext by Washington to erode our right to religious liberty.

The government should not force those who have sincerely held religious beliefs about marriage to participate in these ceremonies [...]

I will never stop fighting for religious liberty and I hope our leaders in D.C. join me.

Update: The Jindal administration announced that the state willjust plain ignore the Supreme Court of the United States for now, and will not issue any marriage licenses or recognize same-sex marriages from other states:

"Current state law is still in effect until the courts order us otherwise," said Mike Reed, Jindal's spokesman in the governor's office.

"There is not yet a legal requirement for officials to issue marriage licenses or perform marriages for same-sex couples in Louisiana," [Attorney General Buddy] Caldwell said in a written statement. 

You might think the Supreme Court is an actual order, but Jindal's waiting on the 5th Circuit Court to take up a case it had delayed while waiting on the Supreme Court to decide. So it's likely to only be a short delay. But hey, nice touch of douchebag, Bobby.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, who hasn't officially declared, but come on, you know he will, loves the Constitution so much that he thinks we need to fix it, since it allows "five unelected judges" to interpret what it means:

As a result of this decision, the only alternative left for the American people is to support an amendment to the U.S. Constitution to reaffirm the ability of the states to continue to define marriage.

Walker also promised that nobody in Wisconsin will ever be "coerced" to act against their religious beliefs, and called on the President and all the governors to pledge that no one will ever be forced to bake a gay penis wedding cake against their will, because Freedom.

 Mike Huckabee went predictably ballistic, explaining that mere human courts cannot make law on "something only the Supreme Being can do" and vowing that he "will not acquiesce to an imperial court any more than our Founders acquiesced to an imperial British monarch. We must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat." Get that man a musket! In fact, Huckabee explained that what the Supreme Court did this morning was literally impossible:

The Supreme Court can no more repeal the laws of nature and nature's God on marriage than it can the law of gravity. Under our Constitution, the court cannot write a law, even though some cowardly politicians will wave the white flag and accept it without realizing that they are failing their sworn duty to reject abuses from the court.

He was a little less clear about what he intends to do about it, but we're guessing it involves another promise to protect the sacred religious freedoms of pizza parlors.

America's Creepy Uncle Rick Santorum went with the "five unelected justices" crap too, and reminded real Americans that the Supreme Court has made some really terrible decisions that supported slavery and segregation, too, just like today's decision did:

[Just] as they have in cases from Dred Scott to Plessy, the Court has an imperfect track record. The stakes are too high and the issue too important to simply cede the will of the people to five unaccountable justices.

Santorum also promised that when he's President (hahahahahaha), he will "lead a national discussion on the importance to our economy and our culture of mothers and fathers entering into healthy marriages so that every child is given their birthright- to be raised by their mother and father in a stable, loving home" that does not include anyone doing anything that could result in the substance named after him.

Supreme Court? That's Not Til Monday, Right?

 Donald Trump was still mostly busy being angry at Univision and all those damned Messicans, but took a moment out of his screamfest to gripe about the gay marriage decision... or so we thought at first, but actually, no, John Roberts was one of the dissenters, so these were gripes about yesterday's Obamacare decision. Has Trump even turned on the TV today?

As "president," Donald Trump will still be plotting revenge on Univision, which would certainly make for some interesting press conferences.

Q: "Mr. President, what do you think of the latest Russian arms shipments to the Texas rebels?"

A: If Univision thinks that a war in Texas gets them off the hook for canceling their coverage of Miss Universe, they're in for a big surprise!"

Ted Cruz and Rand Paul didn't have anything to say, for which we thank them, because Jesus, how many of these fucks are running for president? George Pataki has apparently not said anything either, because who would even care?