How Pathetic Is Michael Cohen, On A Scale Of One To Donald Trump Jr.?

THIS pathetic

Much has been written, on this site ( recently! ) and elsewhere, about how Michael Cohen, Donald Trump's consigliere , is a very stupid man who graduated from the worst law school in America and went on to become a really really REALLY bad "lawyer." (With the world's stupidest client! ) And there's been a lot of talk about whether he's going to flip on Trump, and the answer is  of course he is  , because he may be stupid, but he's not that stupid. (Allegedly.)

But the ink is really starting to spill on the love-hate relationship Cohen has with the leader of the crime family he works for, and we hate to say this (factcheck no we don't) but Cohen is just about as pathetic when it comes to craving Daddy's approval as Donald Trump Jr. is when it comes to craving Daddy's approval. And it turns out Daddy is just about as mean to Cohen as he is to Junior, except for how there are no stories rolling around the internet about Daddy slapping Michael Cohen in the face in front of all his friends, awwwwwww Junior, that allegedly happened to you, that's allegedly sad.

The  Wall Street Journal  has a new dive into Cohen's relationship with Daddy and oh god, it is so chock-full of sob stories we almost feel sorry for Cohen. ALMOST.

Here are our favorite factual tidbits from the article:

Cohen went to breakfast with Trump-hater Mark Cuban, and then he got a mouth spanking from Trump for being a BAD BOY

WSJ quotes Mark Cuban saying he thinks Cohen does things like have breakfast with Mark Cuban "to piss Trump off, when he thinks Trump is ignoring him." That is sad all by itself, as is the part about how paparazzi MYSTERIOUSLY appeared at their breakfast to catch it all on film. But this is the most pathetic part:

After [...] their November 2017 breakfast, Mr. Trump called Mr. Cohen to complain, a person familiar with the conversation said.

Mr. Cohen sought to reassure him. “No boss, I had breakfast with him to set him straight. I told him he has to respect the office, to respect you,” Mr. Cohen said, according to this person.

MIST-UR TWUMP, I ONLY WAS TWYIN' TO WUFF HIM UP, TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! I WAS VEWWY BAD AGAIN! I WILL SWEEP IN THE BACKYARD AGAIN AND MAKE FWOWNS WITH MY FACE NOW!

AND THEN HE STARTED CRYING

Mr. Cohen said later in the conversation: “Boss, I miss you so much. I wish I was down there with you,” the person said. “It’s really hard for me to be here.”

Cohen thought he was going to get a big fancy job on the Trump campaign but then he didn't, and then he thought he was going to get a big fancy job in the White House, OMG SAD, DID HE NOT GET THE MESSAGE THE FIRST TIME?

In the months before the election, when Mr. Trump reshuffled his campaign for a third time and named Steve Bannon as campaign chief, Mr. Cohen told associates he had expected to be tapped for the role, according to people familiar with the matter. He also told people at the time he expected to be named White House chief of staff, people familiar with the matter said.

Indeed, WSJ says just two weeks before the inauguration, Cohen was still hoping Daddy would come down the hall and call him a good boy and give him a job, and then a week later, he was all "Daddy still hasn't given me an order, SAD MICHAEL COHEN SAD!" And then Daddy left him tied to a post in the front yard on January 20, 2017, and no matter how much he barks, Daddy doesn't come back. : (

Aw man, if we start posting sad puppy .gifs and saying they're Michael Cohen, y'all might start getting sympathetic. Here is a screengrab of Michael Cohen's face with his tongue hanging out, to make you start laughing at him again:

Cohen lies (?) about being a member of the Russian mob, but probably is only mob-adjacent, that fuckin' loser

Gregory Ehrlich invited Mr. Cohen to his wedding and was amused to hear he bragged to another guest that he belonged to the Russian mob. Mr. Ehrlich, who is now estranged from Mr. Cohen, said he doesn’t believe his former friend had any such ties.

SAD! Cohen goes to Rush Week for the Russian mob every year, but they always pick somebody younger and prettier, UNFAIR!

Cohen begged Daddy to come to his son's bar mitzvah, and then Daddy was late, and then Daddy gave a speech RIGHT THERE AT THE BAR MITZVAH about how he wasn't even planning to come, except for how Cohen BEGGED AND BEGGED

That's what WSJ says!

And finally this thing

During the inaugural festivities, Mr. Cohen and his guests weren’t given priority access to the festivities, the person said, noting that the hurt was visible on Mr. Cohen’s face: “He was always just at the edges.”

THEY COULD SEE THE HURTING ON HIS FACE!

Michael Cohen, can Wonkette give you some loving advice, because though you are very gross, no human deserves to be treated like this? FLIP. Go to the prosecutors and FLIP. That asshole is not going to save you, because he doesn't love you and never did . Hell, WSJ says you thought about "defecting" last year, because El Cheapo wouldn't pay you back for the money you (illegally?) wired to Stormy Daniels.

SO FUCKIN' DO IT NOW AND SAVE YOURSELF!

Unless you're still going to jail even if you do flip, in which case still flip, but that sucks for you and we will promise not to laugh too much at your perp walk unless we just can't help it.

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[ Wall Street Journal ]